After watching the first installment of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion show, I’m hard pressed to say who’s more certifiable: the foul-mouthed lunatic disguised as Teresa Giudice or the pot-stirring, English-language-mangling, sex-tape-making, perpetually in litigation, Desperate Danielle. Let’s call it a tie, go home and dip into our Bitch wine.
The four remaining Housewives (Dina skipped the free-for-all) gathered with Andy Cohen to relive the yawnfest known as Season Two of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” I say we skip Season Three altogether and fast-forward to the reunion shows, ’cause that’s a hell of a lot more fun to watch. Andy Cohen didn’t so much host as he refereed between the warring factions of Housewives. Things started off innocently enough when he polled the ladies for their opinions of “Jersey Shore.” They’re not fans and inside of 30 seconds, Teresa managed to draw comparisons between the bedroom antics of that cast and Desperate Danielle. And let the games begin. Teresa even calls Danielle “desperate.” Has she been reading these recaps? LOL.
Andy Cohen tries to lighten the mood by teaching Desperate Danielle the English language (it’s “women,” plural, “woman,” singular. And let this be the last we speak of this.) Andy does bring up the Dina situation, specifically what nasty deed Desperate Danielle pulled that preceded Dina’s exit. While no specifics were given, we were able to glean that it had something to do with Desperate Danielle trying to cause Dina to lose custody of her daughter. Even more ludicrous, Desperate Danielle slapped a gag order on Dina over the whole thing. Pretty neat trick, huh? All in a day’s work for Desperate Danielle, who’s universe revolves around lawsuits, pan-ninis and her daughter’s modeling career – in that order.
Andy tried another tack with the “woman” by mentioning the births of Teresa and Jacqueline’s babies. This sets off a whole ‘nother round of firecrackers as Jacqueline tries to set the record straight about the depth of Desperate Danielle’s involvement with helping her find an OB/GYN to help in her fertility struggle. Desperate Danielle claims she ferried Jacqueline to and from numerous doctor’s appointments, while Jacqueline says she merely made the introduction. Desperate Danielle finally gets around to congratulating Jacqueline on her baby then mentions whether Teresa went to visit her nephew in the hospital (yet something else to be Googled.) This sets Teresa off but good. She unleashes a tirade of profanity towards Desperate Danielle, chases her off the stage, flings Andy down to his chair and generally goes off the deep end. Hey, Teresa, why don’t you give Cuckoo Kelly a call – maybe she can share her jelly beans with you. Caroline tries to bring Teresa back from the macadamia ranch while Desperate Danielle stalks around backstage refusing to be on set with “an animal.” Andy has to put Teresa in a timeout on the couch and coax Desperate Danielle back to the fray, who will only go if her “partner,” Lori is within earshot (yea, I’m not buying that one either.) Andy warns Teresa not to cross him and she seems to calm down for a minute.
Parenting was a touchy subject for everyone, as memories of ham games past and Albie’s law school struggles bring Caroline to laughter and tears. Desperate Danielle gets grilled for her questionable parenting. In a heartbreaking moment, Jacqueline asks Desperate Danielle if she’s aware her kids are always in the nurse’s office at school in tears because of the teasing about their mother. Caroline reiterates her assertion that those girls don’t have “light” in their eyes. Desperate Danielle maintains she’s a good mom and defends her parenting style. I was waiting for Andy to swat Desperate Danielle on that luncheon that honored Christine, yet she wasn’t allowed to go to. Maybe next episode?
It’s Teresa’s turn in the hot seat as Andy gets down to the nitty gritty of her financial situation. Teresa continues to maintain her house is not in foreclosure and as Andy details the nature of her problems, Desperate Danielle looks the cat who swallowed the proverbial canary. Teresa also claims the doorknob diamond ring Joe gave her for their anniversary was a “cocktail ring,” and says her hubby never clued her into the real deal about their money troubles. Andy wonders if she’s in denial – which Teresa denies.
Caroline was hot tonight and I don’t just mean her sassy one-shouldered dress. She put Desperate Danielle in her place a few times, perhaps none more so than when Andy read Caroline one of the more blistering blogs from her cast mate that questioned Caroline’s sex appeal. Caroline stayed calm and shot back that she had a man who’s loved her 26 years (take that prostitution-whore who’s been engaged 19 times!) a happy home and was a person of integrity, vs. the “Mr. Toad Ride” that is Desperate Danielle. Desperate Danielle had no response and for the first time, actually tucked her tail between her legs and shut up.
We end the night with a rehash of the Brownstone fundraiser debacle. Andy says the father of the little girl claims Desperate Danielle has yet to cough up any dinero (she claims she went door-to-door collecting commitments to the tune of $6,000) and for the first time all night, Caroline loses her cool. She’s still steamed about Desperate Danielle’s “psychological ‘f’ you” to her son that night and tells her to “buckle up” because she’s about to take her down. Caroline flings zingers left and right as she rails about the “sweathog reject” (that would be the Thugtastic Danny), Desperate Danielle’s intention to come in and cause a scene and what a disgrace she is. Caroline warns Desperate Danielle not to try and make a fool out of her, because she’s “looking at the fool.”
Next week, Kim G. gets on the couch, Jacqueline pulls a Teresa and Desperate Danielle pulls out – what? – a shrunken head? A voodoo doll?