Here I am, back by popular demand, with more of my urban dictionary for the straight woman. Okay, it’s not exactly popular demand, but a couple of my friends like the first one I wrote, even though one of them suggests I shouldn’t use words like “slut” and “skank” and “f***king.”
I protested that “f***king” is not a real word. She said she knew that, but she also knew the real inference, and she now had it stuck in her head, with all those asterisks in the middle. I offered to help pay for her therapy.
Anyway, back by suggestion of a couple of prissy friends who think it needs some work is my dictionary for today’s heterosexual woman.[i]
Bosshole. An incompetent, idiot supervisor who treats his underlings like manure. You know: the kind of boss who makes you wonder who he was f***ing to get promoted. This is usually used to refer to a male boss, but can be used for a female under some circumstances.[ii]
Celebritation. Picking up one of those supermarket tabloids and reading it while you are waiting in line at a checkout counter.
Eardrummer. A really, really loud, squealing subway brake.
Ideal Weight. An unreachable number that, no matter how hard you try, is at least thirty pounds lighter than you are now.
If Only. A really hot guy who is much younger than you are. You look at him, sigh and think, “If only I were a couple of decades younger.”
Magic Mirror. That full-length mirror hanging on your closet wall that makes you think you are ten pounds lighter than you actually are. Unlike Snow White’s stepmother’s mirror, yours does not tell you the truth. You don’t find out what a liar this piece of glass is until someone takes your picture and you get a rude shock.
Oglatory. An adjective describing the irresistible urge to surreptitiously check out that group of hunky firefighters who are shopping in the next supermarket aisle over from you.
One Pound Bag. An empty space on a subway seat that is just barely too small for you to fit into without squashing yourself and the people on either side. Reference: fitting two pounds of salami into a one-pound bag.
Water Torture. A dripping faucet that can only be heard at night when you are trying to sleep.
[i] I made up that whole ridiculous story, which is proof that you can’t believe everything I say.
[ii] I didn’t make this one up. This originated with my friend Jessica, who passed it around to the rest of us. It is rapidly becoming quite popular, at least among day-job working aspiring singers.