While once brain scans such as the CT or “Cat Scan” and MRI were used primarily to diagnose serious medical conditions, scientists believe that brain scans may one day be used to track how a child is developing neurologically. Ten other possible uses for brain scans are listed below.
1. The drivers license test. A new standardized, and very speedy, way of judging a person’s ability to safely operate an automotive vehicle will involve playing a race car video game while DMV personnel scan a person’s brain to make sure they are responding appropriately. If the test is proven accurate, it could allow mature 12 years to get a driver’s license years earlier than they normally would.
2. Do you suspect that your cat is planning on killing you? Tell your pet that you’re taking him or her to the vet for, “routine vaccinations”, and quickly sedate the critter while the veterinarian performs a special brain scan. You may be able to figure out if murderous intentions are lurking in the darkest corners of your feline’s heart.
3. As the country has been slapped with an epidemic of Zombie Virus Type A infections, accurate ways of identifying and diagnosing Zombie Syndrome have relied upon eyewitness accounts weeks after infection. However, in the future a new type of brain scan called the “Z-scan”, will allow doctors to diagnose infection with Zombie Virus Type A much earlier than has been previously possible.
4. As the political fancies of the country flip-flop to the left and right and back again, some politicians may pretend to be either a Democrat or Republican in order to gain votes. A new brain scan developed by the Center for let partisan politics will allow a potential candidate to have their brains scanned and their political affiliation tattooed discreetly on their back.
5. Have you forgotten where you’ve left something important like your car keys? In the future you may be able to scan your brain and determine exactly where have placed the item of interest by eating Junior mints while thinking very hard about where your socks or wallet might be.
6. A new medical syndrome related to, but not identical to, zombie syndrome has been discovered by scientists working in New York and they have named it provisionally, “Tea Party Insanity Syndrome.” People affected with this syndrome will feel the need to dress up like Paul Revere and talk about saving the government from communists. A brain scan of the future may be used to diagnose Tea Party Insanity Syndrome before a person’s succumbs to this disease.
7. As movie producers try to figure out whether or not to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on the next potential summer blockbuster–a new type of brain scan could determine what sort of film will be successful by explaining the plot of the movie to a person who is having their brain scanned by a new technique called 3D hyper-resonance positron reflexion brain scanning. Hopefully this technique could be used to prevent disasters such as the, “Prince of Persia” and the Home Alone sequels.
8. Hillary Clinton, who is still suspicious of the right-wing conspiracy which framed her husband for committing an adulterous act, has said on several occasions that she hopes that a new brain scan will be developed to help her root out Tea Party moles who might be working in the State Department.
9. A new type of brain scan is being developed which will allow people to figure out if they are compatible with the person they are dating, and thus can be used to prevent disastrous marriages which spontaneously self-destruct decades later such as that between Al and Tipper Gore.
10. An interior decorator who works in New York, and who has dealt with several clients who constantly change the color scheme for the room she is working on redecorating, has developed a new type of brain scan which will display a number of color patterns to a client while their brain is scanned. She says that the results will help her to decide which combinations of colors will be more pleasing before any painting is done.
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