As if revelations that Ozzie Osbourne has Neanderthal DNA in his genes weren’t bad enough, a new scientific study has concluded that Neanderthals children grow up faster than human children, and that Neanderthals weren’t as creative as humans-given how apparently uninspired their cave art is. However, many in the Neanderthal community, and the Neanderthal Awareness Society (NAS), have refuted these claims, and a number of notable Neanderthals have come forward in recent days against what they say are dangerous stereotypes. Ten famous Neanderthals are listed below.
1. George W. Bush, who is only half neanderthal on his mother’s side, says that he is creative enough to, “write one of those books with words talkin’ about his presidency.”
2. Keith Richards, who is reportedly one quarter Neanderthal, has said that without his Neanderthal blood he wouldn’t have survived decades of drug abuse.
3. Sarah Palin, who claims that she is, “one half neanderthal, one half Eskimo, and one half Alaskan Grizzly”, says that her creative political thinkin’ proves that not all Neanderthals are bad.
4. The current sitting Neanderthal Awareness Society President, Rush Limbaugh, says that he considering filing a lawsuit against the scientists who made the claims, after he finishes a book on how fire is made with evil spirits.
5. Vice president Joe Biden, who often brags about his, “Irish-Neanderthal heritage”, says that a lot can be learned from Neanderthals and their way of life, and that he often lives in a cave near Camp David for the holidays to “reconnect with his primeval past.”
6. Through his publicist, Big Foot has issued a statement saying that he, “stands by his Neanderthal sister and brothers”, and that as proof of Neanderthal creativity he will be writing a book on how to cook like a Neanderthal, with recipes such as chilled forest bug porridge and possum on a stick.
7. Ben Stiller, half Neanderthal, has commented on several occasions that the Neanderthal half of his brain allows him to make jokes which appeal to the Neanderthal in everybody.
8. Al Gore, who is reportedly one fourth Neanderthal, didn’t comment directly on the Neanderthal issue but said that, “Neanderthals sure didn’t cause global warming.”
9. Talk show host Conan O’Brien believes that he was forced out of a job hosting the Tonight Show on NBC because of Neanderthal heritage. O’Brien has said that much of the management at NBC were afraid of his “neanderthal ways” which included frequently biting guests and carrying a club around with him.
10. Hillary Clinton, who in private describes herself as a, “modern Neanderthal woman”, says that she loves being 100% Neanderthal, and that her Neanderthal strength helps when she has to drag her husband back home after a night on the town.
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