The unthinkable may be at hand: a Demo-pocalypse during this November’s election which could possibly kick Nancy Pelosi out of the third most powerful political position in the country: Speaker of the House of Representatives. However, should republicans take control of the House, Nancy Pelosi will likely issue several “doomsday orders” before she officially leaves her position. Ten of these secret orders are listed below.
1. As a precaution, Democratic House Rep. Barney Frank will be placed in a special “liquid nitrogen hibernation chamber” while a look-alike runs his office.
2. All of the computers used in the Speaker’s office will have their hard drives removed, and will be ground into a fine dust which will be ceremoniously sprinkled in Lafayette park.
3. Pelosi’s large refrigerated stash of Mountain Dew and Red Bull, which is stored in a secret room somewhere in the Capitol building, will be poured down the drains if it can not be airlifted back to San Francisco in time.
4. All of the furniture in the Speaker’s official Capitol office will be covered in plastic to prevent republicans from “soiling the place” while democrats plot their comeback.
5. The secret tunnel which runs from the White House to the Speaker’s office, (and which was built during the war to pass health care reform), will be boarded up and plastered over.
6. Three republicans legislators which have been held against their will under Pelosi’s direct orders may be released within hours of Pelosi leaving office.
7. Pelosi’s secret Capitol bunker, which contains tons of freeze dried beef jerky, pea soup and red licorice, will be vacated and rigged to blow with C-4 explosives if anybody tries to force their way in at a later date.
8. Pelosi’s favorite cat, Mr. Soapy, will be immediately placed in the Feline Witness Protection Program.
9. The only copy of the health care legislation passed last spring will be transported under armed guard to an undisclosed location somewhere in Hawaii.
10. All surviving democrats will be ordered to sabotage the efforts of republicans until reinforcements can arrive in a couple years.
For the Top Ten Things that really Tick Off Bill Clinton, click here.