City of the Angels; it must be absolutely beautiful. I have never been there and I probably will never make it. Not that I wouldn’t want to go, but from my part of the country it would be a pretty expensive trip. I probably know as much about LA as anybody else who has never been there though. After all, I watch TV and read the newspaper, isn’t that all there is to LA? It’s at least enough for me to make my own plans on what to do there, once I arrived; whether its Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter.
I like to use that proverbial list of ten when I write of things to do or say or buy or whatever. So, my list of ten things to do in LA in the spring goes something like;
10) LEAN DEEP: This is especially helpful if you have driven to LA or you have rented a vehicle while you are out there. You need to fit in so you appear more like one of the natives. What you do, particularly the driver, but others can do this as well, what you do is to slide way down in your seat until your eyes can just barely see over the top of the dashboard. Then you lean way over to either your left or right, depending on which side of the vehicle you are in. If you are the driver you lean way over to your left, the passenger leans way over to their right. When you are properly positioned your head should be tight against the door and the seat.
9) COLOR COORDINATE: Very important. You must be aware of “colors.” I believe the two popular colors are red and blue. Wherever you plan on going make sure you find out what color rules in that area. Get yourself a bandana or armband or skullcap of that color. You need to show your support for the locals by wearing their color of choice.
8) JUMP: This is useful when you are in your vehicle. Now, whether you drove yourself out to LA or you rented a vehicle, it’s a sure bet that your vehicle will not “dance” like the resident’s vehicles. When you are driving through either a red or a blue area you need to have everyone in the car jump up and down, in unison. If this action does not make the car jump like it is on steroids it will at least give the image of up and down motion. This motion is important to the natives; if you show your support for them it will be better for you.
7) BUTTON UP: Anyone who is wearing a button up shirt needs to do several things with it. First of all it must be a plaid, cotton shirt. Any color, but again, try to stay in the red / blue motifs, depending upon where you are visiting. A clean, crisp, white, under shirt is important for this activity as well. Put the shirt on as usual, over the white under shirt. Do not tuck it in, it must hang out. Now button only the top button. That’s right; don’t button any other buttons, just the top button. I know, but believe me, it works.
6) DROOP PANTS: To go along with the one button shirt you may want to complete your ensemble with the classic “Droopy Drawers.” You’ve no doubt seen these around your own neck of the woods. Well, you need to radicalize whatever it is you have experienced and make it very dramatic when you visit LA. A great way to do this is to make certain you wear only cotton boxer shorts. Remember also to keep your shirt hanging out. First, sew the pants onto the shorts about halfway down. Then sew the shorts to the shirttails. The end result will be a perfectly layered droop that will challenge anything you run into during your little visit to LA.
5) HIDE: If you have screwed up your lean, or have worn the wrong colors in the wrong area, or have buttoned up too many buttons or your pants don’t droop enough, you may want to consider hiding. Hopefully you have identified and memorized what may be a good hiding place. Once you are hidden though, you should plan on being there for quite some time because there is no safe time to come out of hiding. Learn to hide well and in an area that has available nutrition. You may be able to come out at night, sometimes.
4) SWAY: If you can’t hide and your wardrobe skills are not perfected, you can consider the art of the sway. Swaying is moving about back and forth very smoothly. You want to pivot at the waist and keep the upper body in motion. Keep your swaying totally random. If a pattern is noticed it can be replicated, then you may as well not sway. One of the best things to do in LA in the spring is to sway.
3) DUCK: Swaying can be difficult and tiring so let’s prepare for those of you who simply cannot get the swaying movement down. What’s left is to duck. Periodically, while walking or just standing, bend at the knee and drop down as low as you can. This typically throws most anyone off. Your center of gravity is well below their line of sight. Do this all through the spring in LA. Simply duck about once every ten minutes or so.
2) WALK FAST: If nothing else works you may have to exert a little more effort. You may have to walk fast. You’ve seen people fast walking alongside the road. Their arms are bent up tight and they are swinging back and forth, up above their waist. That swinging motion actually helps propel the body forward. Get your arms swinging fast, above the waist then let loose with a fast step. This may be a good way to get around at all times rather than wait for when you absolutely need it.
And the number one thing to do in LA in the spring?
1) COME HOME: That’s right. Get back in your car and hightail it home. You’ve been there now get the “H” out of there. You can always say you went to LA but turn around right away so you can also say “I came back from LA.” My number one choice for things to do in LA in the spring is to Come Home.
Follow these suggestions and you should have a fun, safe trip to LA. Make plans to stop along the route on the way out there and back so you can actually get out of the car. LA, the City of Angels, be careful or you may become one.