When you and your spouse fight, there is surely some issue underlying the angry words and bitter statements. But, when you two are angry, it is more likely than not that the real issues will not surface properly, and if any of it does, it will be littered with anger and hostility and resentment and insults. That is why, when the fight begins, though it is important to express your anger and get your bad feelings out, you need to stop yourself at a certain point and take some time apart. That is essential to keeping yourselves from saying really bad things. Words can leave lasting and permanent effects on people and as easy as they are to say, they are much harder to take back.
Thus, when you two fight and the anger gets to a high peak, walk away. Say that you need to just take a break, clear your head and calm down. Leave the house if you have to, go for a drive, unless you are really in a rage, then just take a walk or sit outside and drink something soothing and just take deep breaths. Watch television, do some calming activity that will stabilize your moods and then when you are ready make that known to your spouse. Call them or text them or ask them if they want to talk. You might be able to tell from their body language if they are still cooling off or are ready to talk.
Then, when you two are ready to talk, sit down for a long time and begin really communicating. A lack of communication will cause any great marriage to crumble and you have to make sure that you let the other person talk and say everything. You won’t like to hear any of it most likely and some of the things might even surprise or shock you or hurt you or make you think it’s outright insane, but you have to listen and have to let them speak. The first thing you have to do is realize that even if you don’t agree these feelings are legitimate and actual and need to be treated with respect.
If your spouse sees that you are listening to them respectfully, they will feel that much more inclined to hear you, too. You will be able to speak when it is your turn and you will finally be able to express some of what is bothering you. Without communication, the marriage will deteriorate and turn into something very resentful and distant with time.
Though it will be painful to hear and discuss all of the issues, it is the way to save your marriage and relationship and one way to make sure that you two get your issues out. You can write these in the form of notes to one another or you can make a long list or you can say it face to face. You can try a method where you say your feelings and the other must repeat it back and put themselves in your shoes before they are allowed to express their own emotions.
Once you get your issues out and discuss them, give yourselves some time to mull things over and then reconvene again with ideas for solutions to these problems.