The CBS comedy “Two and a Half Men” focuses on the antics of a pair of brothers forced by to share a home after a change in marital status. Charlie (Charlie Sheen) is an outgoing and more than slightly over-sexed commercial jingle writer thoroughly enjoying life as an untethered bachelor in Malibu, California. That is, until his straight-laced brother Alan (Jon Cryer)shows up on his doorstep after his wife threw him out of the house. The brothers are a bit of a modern day “Odd Couple” who have at least two things in common: a deep love for Alan’s son Jake (Angus T. Jones) and their desire to avoid contact with their mother Evelyn (Holland Taylor) at all costs. Charlie’s housekeeper Berta (Conchata Ferrell) offers blue collar pearls of wisdom to the pair of brothers, whether they want it or not.
10. “Confessions may be good for the soul, but they’re a hot lead enema to a relationship.” (Season 7 Untainted by Filth)
Evelyn offers her sons some relationship advice after they both wake up in bed with strange women. Alan feels that honesty is always the best policy, whileCharlie is a bit more morally ambiguous.
9. “I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.” (Season 2, Yes, Monsignor)
Berta to Charlie after he informs her that Alan is getting ready for a big date with a girl he picked up at the supermarket. Berta tries to give both brothers love advice after Charlie flees from his house to avoid a date he wished he hadn’t made.
8. “Question, how long can you expect to date Charlie after you have sex with him? Answer, it depends how late you sleep the next morning.” (Season 2, Last Chance to See Those Tattoos)
Alan has little sympathy for his brother’s newest problems with women.Charlie hits an unexpected dry spell with women and can’t figure out why. After getting turned down once again while at a local bar, Charlie finds out a disgruntled ex-girlfriend has created a website for all the women Charlie has scorned.
7. “Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn’t set the bar very high.” (Season 6, David Copperfield Slipped Me A Roofie)
Evelyn to her son Alan after he complains that his family has never appreciated or understood him. Alan considers moving in with a new girlfriend’s mother in order to find the unconditional love he felts has been lacking in his life.
6. “I got to see penguins and a manta ray. I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady’s shirt. I think she had plants.” (Season 1, If they Do Go Either Way, They’re Usually Fake)
Jake shares his field trip experience with his dad and uncle Charlie. After correcting Jake that what he actually saw were breast implants, he launches in a detailed narrative about the female body. Alan and his ex-wife Judith struggle with Jake’s increased interest with women after he draws pictures of one of Charlie’s conquests naked.
5. “What can I say about Charlie” So many words come to mind, but so few that you can say in church. But we’ll give it a shot. Charlie was a man of love. He loved his friends, he loved his family, but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway this was a man that was so full of love that it would actually ooze out of him, at which point he would see a doctor. But I kid the deceased whoremonger. (Season 6, The Devil’s Lube)
Alan loses patience with Charlies new obsession with his own death. After one of his old partying buddies dies, Charlie begins to look back over his life of meaningless sex and bar hopping. Alan takes advantage of his brother’s reflective mood and offers a faux eulogy.
4. “She knows what she’s talking about Alan, mom’s been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.” (Season 2, Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers)
Charlie encourages Alan to listen to the advice their mother offers about a new girlfriend. Alan is so taken with a woman he meets at the grocery store, he plans to ask for her hand in marriage.
3 .”Unfortunately, he’s a little young to drink in the darn and bitch about men.” Season 3, And the Plot Moistens)
Alan’s response to his mother’s comments about trying to interest Jake in some of her hobbies. Alan and Judith worry about Jake’s lack of interest in school and extra-curricular activities. Charlie volunteers to help his nephew audition for the school musical.
2. “It’s your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom’s name?” (Season 5, Look at Me, Mommy, I’m Pretty)
Charlie to his mother, Evelyn during a pre-ceremony frustrated discussion. Alan eagerly helps Evelyn and her inteded, Teddy prepare for the upcoming wedding. Charlie is far more interested in getting to know his soon-to-be step-sister, Courtney.
1.”It seems like yesterday I could party all night and eat and drink anything I wanted to. Now, a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle and I’m sittin’ in the emergency room prayin’ for a fart.” (Season 4, Young People Have Phlegm Too?)
Charlie comes to the realization that his youth is fleeting and his body just doesn’t react the way it used too. Charlie’s much younger girlfriend fixes Alan up on a date with one of her friends for a night out on the town. The pair of brothers are stunned to discover they are the girls went out with them because they are so into older men.