So, you call yourself a horror fan? You dress up on Halloween, you got your Team Jacob gear and have even seen Rob Zombie in concert. You tell everyone how much you love horror. However, you don’t have a clue who George Romero is and you think Bram Stoker is the dude who played Dracula in the movie with Keanu Reeves. You my friend, might just be a horror poser. Here is a list of movies that just might be for you. Before you get angry this list is all in fun and some of the movies are actually pretty good. Don’t expect to earn a lot of horror credibility from them though.
Here they are from ten to one.
10. The Fog (remake)- The original was directed by the legendary John Carpenter, the remake was directed by, um, someone else. Not the worst remake to be made in recent years, it still is bad. Gone are the like able cast and the creepy, disturbing un-dead lepers from the first. Instead we get cheap CGI and half hearted acting from a cast that seems like they had rather be somewhere else. It did not do well at the box office but I am amazed that so many young horror fans love this film. Posers love CGI apparently.
9. House of the Dead- Some consider this to be Uwe Boll’s worst film. I prefer Alone in the Dark for that honor, still House of the Dead, runs a close second. Many people, like myself got suckered in by the MTV style commercials featuring DMX’s blaring music. It really looked good. Live and learn, I guess. Up until the recent Day of the Dead remake this was the worst zombie film EVER. That includes Plan 9 From Outer Space, which at least you can laugh at. That is why I am so shocked when every so often it shows up on a list of favorite zombie movies. I blame their parents.
8. The Village-This was supposed to be M. Night Shymalan’s first true horror movie. Apparently it was really his idea of an April Fool’s joke. Featuring an exceptional cast including Adrien Brody, Sigourney Weaver, and John Hurt, it also had more twists than a Las Vegas stripper with Tourettes. Turns out it really is not a horror movie, but more of the Swiss Family Robinson goes to Amish country. Was it a good movie? Who knows? I, and most horror fans, was too upset at what was considered false advertising and outright dishonest marketing. I usually do not like spoilers, but as a public service, the monsters are not’t real.
7. Aliens Vs. Predator- Two great classics that don’t go well together. Actually the two went together wonderfully in a series of comics from Dark Horse and on a popular video game. However give the concept to Hollywood and it is bound to fail. Basically turning the Predators into high tech wimps, none the less it was popular enough to warrant a sequel. Personally I did not’t hate the film, but posers love it. Probably because most of them either have never seen the originals of both series, or if they have it was long ago.
6. Saw- One of the better films on the list, Saw’s love affair with Poserdom has garnered seven sequels to date with an eighth on the way. Producers promise this will be the last, but can the cries of horror posers everywhere be denied? Hopefully yes, as the series has gotten weaker and weaker with almost every installment It’s gore and high body count still attract some horror fanatics, but they can’t deny it’s failing quality.
5. Resident Evil- My favorite film on the list. Based on the popular video game, it is more an action, sci fi thriller than a true horror movie, but try telling that to posers. There exists a real split between those who love and those who hate the film and it’s sequels. Even fans of the video games are heavily divided on it. It stars the ultra hot Milla Jovovich as the films hero Alice, which is definitely a selling point, poser or not.
4. Dawn of the Dead (remake) – A decent film it is a remake of the Romero classic in name only. It features high speed zombies which almost automatically earns it scorn from the Romero faithful. What lands it squarely in the poser camp is the fact so many people have no clue it is a remake. Ask any poser if they have seen Dawn of the Dead and most will say they have. Ask them what they liked best and most will say Ving Rhames. Oh well, no offense to Mr. Rhames but this does not’t set well with hard core horror fans. This is definitely a film worth seeing but please, see the original first.
3. Halloween (remake) – This film would have been received much better if given a different name and different characters. Instead it uses the characters from one of the most beloved horror films of all times. It’s brutality and gore endeared it to the poser crowd. However turning the Myer’s into drunken white trash and Michael into a disturbed and abused child did not’t set well with fans of the classic. I liked the film but cannot deny how weak it is compared to the original. Halloween is best left to posers and fans of Rob Zombie.
2.Scream- Scream was directed by horror legend Wes Craven. Craven, the man who brought us The Hills Have Eyes and Nightmare of Elm Street now brings us PG-13 horror. While Scream is an entertaining slasher film, horror fans everywhere point to it as the forerunner of watered down teen horror. It spawned two direct sequels, with a third planned, perhaps more importantly it spanned a deluge of PG-13 impostors such as I Know What You Did Last Summer. It is required viewing for posers.
1. Twilight Saga- Three films and counting, each installment of the Twilight saga deserves being number one on this list. Twilight has a legion of fans and most of them have never considered themselves to be horror fans before Twilight. Twilight is more fantasy romance than true horror. Fans of the series walk out thinking they are experts on vampires and werewolves ,yet get a cold chill just walking past Midnight meat Train in the DVD aisle in Wal-Mart. There is no end in sight for Twilight mania and so the army of horror posers is destined to grow.