As the holiday shopping season starts early this year after Thanksgiving, many people are asking themselves what to get that special person on their gift list. But what do you do if you are buying for a dictator? Surprisingly, many dictators have large families and an even larger group of friends. Listed below are ten presents that would please the warlord on your gift list.
1. Camouflage netting. Most dictators have a lot of “stuff”, (like tanks and missiles), they naturally want to hide it from Google’s satellites, and you can never have enough of specially designed camouflage netting for this purpose.
2. Bunker doorbell. Chances are that your dictator has a bunker, but never thought to install a doorbell. A wide line of bunker doorbells are available, most able to withstand a grenade, which provide a sense of domesticity to your standard concrete and rebar bunker.
3. Garden gnome. Most dictators don’t have garden gnomes, either because they have been used as target practice by troops or because they look stupid next to stockpiles of chemical weapons.
4. Testosterone supplements. Most dictators feel manly enough, but this well thought out gift, which can be purchased illegally online, might provide your dictator with the missing machismo needed to invade another country.
5. Portable airplane destroying death ray. Many dictators would be surprised that you could buy such a thing, actually they’re available via an obscure mail order business run by Sears.
6. Shark food. Most dictators keep sharks as pets, why not give them a couple months of shark food as a gift?
7. Syphilis/Gonorrhea/Chlamydia antibiotic treatment pills. Most dictators contract at least one venereal disease a month, making this gift a much appreciated item.
8. Orange Cream Soda. Most dictators drink weird beverages, like cream sodas, herbal teas made with shark fins, and mint juleps for those muggy days inside the bunker.
9. Turtle neck sweaters. Many dictators have at least a couple turtle necks tucked away for entertaining at home.
10. Camouflage iPhone cover. Nothing worse than sneaking up on an enemy and somebody spots you chatting on your phone.
For the The Top Ten New Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policies click here.