Recently, the United States Federal Government issued a warning for American travelers to Europe asking that they stay on alert as a terrorist attack in the region is possible. However, because the terror alert is so vague, American tourists are uncertain what they can do to protect themselves. Vice president Joe Biden, who normally doesn’t weigh in on such matters, briefly spoke with the press this morning and offered ten tips for American tourists heading to Europe.
1. Be sure to take a pet dog with you as the sight of American tourists with dogs might confuse potential terrorists as it is hard to tell which of them can sniff out bombs and which are just your garden-variety backyard mutts.
2. If you visit the Eiffel Tower don’t actually take the elevator to the top, but stay back at least 500 feet and take your pictures from there, and speak French to blend in with the locals.
3. Don’t take an airplane or any trains during your travels. Instead use the waterways to get to where you’re going.
4. Whatever you do, don’t go into a McDonald’s outside of the United States as this can easily identify you as an American.
5. Disguise yourself as a Canadian, by wearing hats, T-shirts and shoes with the Canadian flag on them and say, “Eh?”, to everybody that you meet.
6. Avoid museums like the plague, even if you are a lover of fine art, as the peaceful and calming interior of most modern art museums will lower your guard, thus making you more vulnerable to a terrorist attack.
7. Do not visit Buckingham palace, no matter what you do, as there is just something fishy about Prince Charles and his plans to build a medieval theme park outside of London.
8. Avoid crowded places such as the movie theaters, the malls, and open areas.
9. Be sure to travel with 4 to 12 bodyguards at all times.
10. Get a Rent-A-Car that can accelerate fast and duct tape pieces of scrap metal on the seats and doors to protect yourself from bombs.
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