The Deep Invasive Body Cavity Scanners are coming and it is not science fiction. The department of homeland security TSA unit use of Whole body scanning machines is being heralded as a great success. Critics including Janet Mohamed Napolitano , head of homeland security in the Obama Administration has expressed concerns that the TSA full body scanners are not invasive enough to detect terrorists who may have implanted bombs in deep body cavities. Napolitano believes that Americans should be willing to give up more personal freedoms for basic security and she wants to expand the body scanning program to bus stations, subways , truckers, random car checks, cruise lines and all other modes of transport. “Concern that full body scans or optional physical pat downs may miss deep invasive cavity bombs and other contraband’, says Napolitano, ” Raises Alarms.” The Department of Homeland security has already ordered 500 million dollars worth of the new DIBCS (Deep Invasive Body Cavity Scanners) set to be deployed before 2012 in all inter-modal transportation sectors. The basic deep invasive body cavity scanner looks like a computerized shop vacuum with a long semi transparent hose with a streamlined nozzle containing miniature video stereo cameras, LED lights and high tech probing devices with self lubricating mechanism. The machines are robotic but will require 3 operators to run each one as part of the government’s plans for full employment. Janet Mohamed Napolitano, head of homeland security says she is excited about being able to do deep cavity searches saying that not only will they detect hidden terrorist bombs but will prevent smuggling and may also detect people with un- diagnosed prostate problems, ovarian cancers, uncover evidence of child abuse and prevent people from taking gold and jewels out of the country without an export declaration.
Not everyone is as excited by the new Deep Invasive Body Cavity Scanners as the head of Homeland Security and the rest of the Obama Administration is. Minsky Pasha works as a high price call girl in Las Vegas and last month on a trip from Vegas to San Francisco on business she was arrested by TSA agents in the Las Vegas Airport for not wearing panties under her mini mini skirt during a required TSA Pat down in lieu of going though the full body scanning machine. Minksi who goes by the name “Titi” refused to go though the full body scanning machine and was given the choice of either not flying or having a required manual inspection pat down. She reluctantly consented to the pat down citing that she was afraid that the full body scanner would expose her to too much radiation because she is used to flying very frequently on business. During the TSA manual inspection pat down inspection, TSA investigators wearing their non latex investigation gloves sounded the Airport terrorist bomb alarm when they discovered that Titi was not only not wearing panties under her mini mini skirt but that she had a cialis prescription induced 48 hour erection. Titi was initially allowed to board the plane with government transvestite status but was arrested on her arrival in San Francisco so authorities could involve the FBI because of the interstate jurisdiction. Minksi now faces a 5 year prison sentence or an $11000 fine pending her federal court trial that has been postponed though April. Minksi has recently become an outspoken opponent of The TSA full body scanning program and we interviewed her regarding the new invasive deep body scanners at the same time we spoke to Janet Mohamed Napolitano in her Las Vegas security office.
We asked Janet Mohamed Napolitano to explain why she thinks believes the TSA fully body scanner program is such a great success despite a huge public outcry against it. Here is what she said:
“The TSA full body scanner program is a great success. So far we have successfully prevented over ten thousand potential terrorist attacks which is why we need to expand the program to all modes of transport including bus stations. subway stations and random car checks. The program will become flawless once we introduce the new deep body cavity invasive scanners before 2012. The public must be willing to give up all privacy and certain amount of personal freedom to be safe. The more liberty Americans willingly give up the more safe they will be. We can then care for them better then they can care for themselves. Since the full body scanning program and the pat downs have gone into effect not only have we prevented over ten thousand potential terrorist attacks we caught 1700 people smuggling drugs. We have identified over 13,000 people who misidentified their sex on travel documents including 2553 Hermaphrodites and 4600 transvestites and 2072 transsexuals. In addition we have routinely screened children for signs of sex abuse and taken over 6000 parents and children into custody for further investigation. We detected over 2000 active professional prostitutes traveling on business or for pleasure including Minksi Pasha who has become the poster girl for shutting down the TSA. We have prevented the smuggling of gold , diamonds , unreported currency and high end watches to foreign countries by people who think that air travel is a means of evading taxes and the government’s future prospects of having to confiscate hard assets as required by economic circumstances created by George W. Bush. Homeland security is the ultimate in preventive law enforcement in a country of law and order. I know what critics like Minksy say that this is like NAZI Germany or the Bolshevik Revolution. She is right but we are only taking the good parts of Nazism and communism and leaving the rest to the trash can of history. We have to start getting the American people use to having less personal freedom. That is why the Nazi’s stripped the Jews naked at concentration camps in films like Shindler’s list. The American people have had far too much freedom far too long and they have to get used to knowing who is their new boss. The Romans kept their slaves naked and thus kept the order of society in place, The TSA program is mainly for American Red Necks anyways. As you know it exempts Muslims because of their right to religious freedom and because of the need to combat Islamophobia. As you know Michael Jackson , while he was living , took over 1200 commercial flight wearing a Berqua and he never once concealed a bomb.
It is not a big trade off for the American People too give up a little of their personal freedom and privacy for our kind of maximum homeland security. The full body scanners do not cause cancer. One would have to be exposed to these machines over 600 times to have the statistical probability of developing cancer and only the TSA personnel have that much exposure on a daily basis. As for manual pat downs in lieu of the scans people have their ability to make the choice. In the case of Minksy, She should have been wearing her panties. She should have known better. The arrogance she had telling professional TSA screeners that yes they could touch her junk because she is ‘professional’ might not be criminal until her 48 hour erection was uncovered by investigators. That caused the airport terrorist bomb alarms to sound when TSA specialist Maxine Smart thought she had uncovered a plastics explosives TNT implant. This is all the more reason we need the new deep body cavity invasive scanners as soon as possible. Yes, I have heard all of the alien probe jokes about Uranus but I have to tell you I have my own terrestrial joke about your anus bomb and it is not funny. Last year alone homeland security confiscated over 69 prosthetic penises and vaginal inserts that were take to labs to test to see if they were made of plastic explosives. Fortunately non were bombs but 14 were filled with cocaine . If it had not been for the body scanning machines and the manual frisking these would never have been discovered. We must stay ahead of the terrorists. We have opted to unionize the TSA employees so that they can not be fired due to an increasing number of lawsuits and allegations that some TSA officers maybe registered sex offenders. The nude celebrity scanner photos that have appeared in adult magazines are nothing the public has not already seen before We already do this in public schools across the nation as part of Obama’s right to an education program to get children used to their future..”
We asked Janet Mohamed Napolitano if she had anything else to say . “Yes only that you should prepared to be probed. Don’t complain it is for your country.”
Our interview with Minksi Pasha the notorious panty-free slayer was not quite as helpful in understanding the needs of homeland security screening but it does show why she should be convicted and sentenced with the maximum penalties to pay for her crime because this is a nation of morals not of privacy.
“Yes it is true. I am a professional prostitute and I was flying to San Francisco from Vegas on business. I paid for a first class seat because I only work as a first class whore. I never expected so much trouble at the airport. I had to take my Cialis a few hours before the flight so I would be ready for limousine work the minute i arrived in San Francisco when the plane arrived. I packed light because it was just a one night stand. I had no carry ons except for my purse. I had to wear my mini mini skirt because of business. I had to leave early to catch my flight because the TSA requires passengers to be at the airport 3 hours before their flight for screening. I tired to buy panties at the airport but I could not find any my size. So I thought this is Vegas who needs panties to fly? I got in line and immediately I aroused suspicion because i am 7 foot tall lady. I opted out of the full body scan and told the screeners that I was afraid it might mess with my metallic hair do. I reluctantly agreed to have a manual body frisking . I had no idea they wanted to touch my junk. I gave them permission to touch my junk because after all I am a professional. It really upset the screener lady who took immediate offense that i was not wearing panties. ‘ what if the plane crashes she said your dead body is found naked won’t you be embarrassed?’ I told her that i am a professional and then she discovered that my genitalia was not what she expected so she called in her superiors who called in their superiors and I was subjected to a higher level investigation by more than 16 people including. I think the whole procedure was absurd and unfair since three padded ladies in berkquas got right on the plane without any scanning or investigation and without even having to show their passports. I complained about the unfairness of my treatment and they made me strip naked and put me under observation in the observation room surrounded by one way mirrors. Then I was subjected to FBI intensive third degree treatment. I was so embarrassed and scared I would miss my flight as this went on for a couple of hours. I had no right to an attorney present because this was a matter of national security.
They gave me a pair of panties that had the gray stripes reminiscent of a Nazi concentration camp and required me to board the plane wearing them under my mini mini skirt. Then i was arrested immediately when I got off the plane in San Francisco the city of love. The federal agents said they were not required to tell me what i was being charged with but that i was still under investigation. ‘Its the law’ they said. I said , ‘isn’t this just a little totalitarian?’ Again I had no right to an attorney and i happened to be in San Fransisco to attend to the needs of a famous attorney who paid for my services as a whore. I was taken away to a secret location blind folded for more intensive nude screening by federal officers who wanted to touch my junk and what choice did I have but to let them? It could have been worse I could have been taken to Guantanamo . For all know maybe I was taken to Guantanamo? They never told me what my crime was other than saying i was flying without panties and it set off the airport bomb attack alarms. I only had a 48 hour erection because I had to take Calais a few hours before work to be prepared for my job. I am sorry I ever had to become a national celebrity in this manner. I would have rather been arrested for impersonating Lady Gaga or something like that. When it comes to the new national homeland security department of TSA transportation screening I agree with Janet Mohamed Napolitano that instead the TSA personal should be using those new invasive deep cavity probes because that would have felt a lot better than having 16 pairs of federal hands up inside me.”
Now you know why the original NPR reports were originally censored. Are you a red blooded American? Prepare to be probed when you travel. If you don’t like it you can always call Janet Mohamed Napolitano at the department of homeland security in Washington dc and complain but that may put you on the list for additional TSA probing. Remember not only can you find out if you are on a death panel list at the department health and human services in advance of going to a hospital because you have an expensive to treat disease you might also be on the need to probe TSA list. Remember how Ted Kennedy ended up on the TSA no fly list just because he had the same name as an other Ted Kennedy? You can also be at risk of special TSA probing just because someone else has the same name you do. If you ever felt like you already had big government up the ass just wait the Obama administration has bigger plans for your future.*
foot note * –just in case you actually believed this story you should know it is fake. Remember please keep your underwear on during your flight.