I have been working in my lab and have discovered a pill that you can take to lose weight. You take a pill, wash it down with water and then eat nothing all day. Do this for two weeks and you will be guaranteed to lose weight.
Did you know that you can get smarter by putting a textbook under your pillow? Yes, in my lab, we did sleep studies that proved that people who slept with a textbook under their pillow woke up smarter . Well, not a lot smarter, but they were smart enough never to sleep on a text book again. Another interesting side effect was that sleeping on a textbook gave you a stiff neck.
My lab is also conducting a study on death. So far, we have found that your hair and fingernails continue to grow, but cell phone calls tend to decline.
My lab has also invented a pill that we will give away free. Watch any TV commercial for any medicine and the commercial always lists a range of side effects ranging from growing feathers to a possible need for a liver transplant. But why PAY for these side effects? My pill, although it cures absolutely nothing, gives you all the side effects for free.
My crack team of research scientists who often work with me late into the night watching football games and drinking beer and bourbon, after long deliberation, have even come up with a name for this pill that gives free side effects.
Bubba, our lead scientist, who graduated Cuma sum Drunk from the Ace School of Car Mechanics and Possum Skinning, actually came up with the name. The pill will be called The Side Effect Pill.
In other leading research, wait a minute, my Research Assistance, Bambi, who is in charge of our lastest study Sun Effects on Naked Women, has just brought me an update from the Journal of Medical Ethics.
The Journal of Medical Ethics has determined that : ” US scientists are significantly more likely to publish fake research than scientists from elsewhere …”
The Journal of Medical Ethics conducted a study that “…searched the PubMed database for every scientific research paper that had been withdrawn — and therefore officially expunged from the public record — between 2000 and 2010.A total of 788 papers had been retracted during this period. …The highest number of retracted papers were written by US first authors (260), accounting for a third of the total. One in three of these was attributed to fraud…”
The study also noted that “”The duplicity of some authors is cause for concern,”
Well don’t that beat all. We will just have to release our latest study on How Beer Cures Cancer to another publication. And we might have to reconsider our study on Broccoli Causes Warts.
Just being cautious is all.
Medical Ethics? Well I’ll be damned.
BMJ-British Medical Journal (2010, November 15). US scientists significantly more likely to publish fake research, study finds. ScienceDaily. Retrieved November 17, 2010, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2010/11/101115210944.htm