I have a secret; I want to take Dr. Drew down a peg. He’s too good at his job and far to composed to deal with such a level of crazy on a regular basis. VH1 needs to assemble a dream team of addicts so bad that not even Dr. Drew could help them. Celebrity Rehab Season 5 needs to be the mother of all rehabs. Here is my fantasy cast for the fifth season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew:
Paris Hilton (Cocaine, Alcohol)
Heiress and media darling (fame whore) Paris has just been arrested for felony drug possession according to our friends at TMZ.
Lindsay Lohan (Adderall, Cocaine, Alcohol, Meth)
After “Lilo” snorted all her money and spent the rest on an army of lawyers she’s now making all of it back in post “jail” interviews. I don’t think she can last long until she’s waist deep in meth, coke, alcohol, and Adderall(thanks TMZ).
Courtney Love (Heroin, Oxycontin, whatever is available)
Whitney Houston (Cocaine, Marijuana)
The Bodyguard Diva Whitney couldn’t stay out of the headlines or rehab when she was married to New Edition’s Bobby Brown. TMZ keeps pushing a relapse and after watching this video I’d have to agree.
Artie Lange (Heroin, Alcohol, Cocaine, Food)
Is one of my favorite comedians and brings something special to the Howard Stern Show, but he also has a heroin, alcohol, cocaine, food problem the likes of which the world has never seen. In his book To Fat to Fish he covers some of his struggles with all of the above in gory detail. He also tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself 9 times. I think he would bring some humor and junkie antics that are much needed on the show. Plus I’d really like to see this guy get help, Beer League is amazing.
Mel Gibson (Alcohol, Rage)
Mr. DUI and Domestic Violence contender Gibson would be the racist loose cannon that the cast needs to really round out the crazy. I would just love to see a tearful Paris Hilton running from a deranged Gibson covered in blue war paint and Mad Max gear.
David Hasselhoff (Alcohol)
Baywatch hunk and German pop artist “The Hoff” is TMZ reality with his on again off again drinking bindges. I bet he has some great stories about Pam Anderson.
Marion Barry (Crack, Cocaine)
Famous for being mayor of Washington D.C. and saying, “Bitch set me up!” Then Barry was reelected even though he was a crackhead. I’d love to see this guy sit down with Dr. Drew.
I think this team combined with detoxing and sharing a house together would be the thing to take Dr. Drew down. If not then it would be a better line up season 4 cast.