Paulie D and Mike “The Situation” are talking about eating a sandwich on a “Jersey Shore” episode. Some black guy with a white hat on is talking to two nobodies who have been made somebodies by “The Jersey Shore.” [Weird.]
Lady Gaga steps from a car attired in a towering headdress and long gold brocaded outfit.
Some British person is kicking off the VMA party, shilling for someone named Nicky Menage and Will i.am. “The one, the only” Jersey Jake?” Rookie of the Year at the 20009 BET Awards. White carpet for the MTV Video Awards. (Video Music Awards).
Paramore, with red hair, being interviewed about their plans to perform. “All the people that won’t come to our shows, we’re gonna’ come find you.” Some “awesomes” being thrown around.
Suchin Pak, Suchinpak commenting on outfits. She is wearing an outfit that is particularly shapeless and unflattering, black with what look like shiny insets, rather than the pants outfit or a third outfit. The fans supposedly picked this outfit. Ugh.
Two guys nobody knows, one wearing a hat, said, “I’m just happy to be in the house.”
MTV Vee-Jay, Gabi Gegg, announces she is going to be tracking tweets. She is quite hefty, wearing a very unflattering outfit that is black-and-white on top with leather-insets. It is her first time at the VMAs.
Katy Perry says she feels like an ice skater. “I’ve got a mad cold, but I’m still here because I’m a pro.” Two nominations for Best Female Video and Best Pop Video. “I just like to be invited to these parties. You get free drinks, you get to wear a fancy dress, you get to meet some of your idols.” Her dress has a white short skirt with black, lacy insets and Russell Brand, her fianc& on her fingernails. Now we get to see a “sneak preview” of Snookie from “The Jersey Shore” physically attacking another female in the house they apparently all occupy over the other girl’s insulting the residents of the house.
Shots of Justin Bieber, Eminem, Lady Gaga, Keisha, Drake, Linkin Park.
Kid Rock is shown telling Hostess Chelsea Handler to “go f*** yourself” in what seemed like a very real exchange. Jay Sean, whose #1 hit single with Jay Sean entitled “Down” is mentioned, shows up, plugging “Freeze Time.” He is British; he references appearances going back 8 years.
Michelle, an All Access Fan (age 20) is onscreen in a black-and-white outfit. Sean Kingston, a heavyset black guy who looks like a young Bernie Mac, is talking about his duet with Nikki, who is going to be performing on the MTV show later.
Snooki is onscreen with Suchin Pak. No poof. Bangs. She looks short and somewhat heavy.
Back to the chubby MTV Vee-Jay experiencing her first event. Best Dance Video is being bestowed by the guy in the white hat. The Best Dance Video went to Lady GaGa for Bad Romance. Best Collaboration Video went to Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce (“Telephone”). This dude in the white hat is touting the appearance of Kanye West. I’m looking forward to hearing the song Taylor Swift has written (from her soon-to-be-released album “Speak Now”), which was said to have been inspired by the dust-up with Kanye at the MTV Video Awards a year ago.
The Moon Man trophies look kind of strange piled up on the white carpet with the annoying host in the white hat. Who designed these things? Neil Armstrong?
Now there are commercials: Ben Affleck’s new movie trailer gives way to an ad for Serenity Day Spa on a street near me. Now, Media-Com is advertising its service. Given the fact that my Internet and phones have been intermittently inoperative every day since August 25, I’m not too impressed with Media-Com’s service and am just about ready to change to Direct TV. My pique is made worse by their blase reaction to the news that my 92-year-old mother-in-law’s phones are out and she is dependent on a phone to summon help.
Jared and the boys from “Thirty Seconds to Mars” (actor/singer Jared Leto) have just arrived on bicycles. They are up for 4 VMAs. There is a person in a chicken suit in the background.
We’re now back to some guy in a black-and-white checked shirt with a yellow bow tie. He is with Andrew Jenks who goes around moving in with various strangers: a rapper, a homeless person, and a girl with MS. Weird. (How can you move in with a homeless person? Wouldn’t that be a contradiction in terms?) “World of Jenks” seems like a lame premise, but it is another of these unscripted shows that are cheap to make, versus actual entertainment with scripts and writers. World of Jenks at 11 p.m. after the MTV’s. I won’t be watching.
Now Usher and Justin Bieber are with Mr. White Hat. “I’m gonna’ work it outside and he’s gonna’ work it inside.” (Usher) “Justin Bieber: “I rock on the trumpet a little bit.” No, Justin. You attempt to play the trumpet. Justin Bieber is nominated for Best New Artist. All I can say about his “I rock on the trumpet a little bit” remark is, “I’ll (we’ll) be the judge of that.”
More commercials interrupt the VMA red carpet pre-show. Taco Bell, among others.
Somebody named Nicky Menage and Will i.am. (a dee jay) are to perform together. Whoever this person is has on a skin-tight spandex purple and lavender really unattractive outfit with fake pink hair piled atop her head. She is off-key. Two dancers gyrate in the background. There is a simulated lift-off of a rocket ship. This main singer person is very bottom-heavy and the outfit does nothing to help conceal that. Lots of gyrating. She’s got a microphone like Janet Jackson and the pros use, but the song is pretty lame. Even the dancing looks amateurish and every time she turns sidewise her tremendous hindquarters are visible. Now she is joined by a male figure wearing something weird on his head. I can only assume it is Will i.am. although he looks like a reject from a Wesley Snipes film. He has pink stripes on the sides of his head, on his ankles and on his cuffs. Now someone in an all-white jumpsuit (also wearing a hat) is acting like a robot. Whatever the woman in the lavender-purple spandex is saying is unintelligible. There are now 5 people onstage and the girl dancers are climbing the towers erected to hold lights, which look like they might fall down at any minute. The guy in the white doing the robot seems somehow out of his element, as though he had wandered in from a 1980 concert (or whenver the robot was popular.)
“Wow, what an explosive performance from Nicky Menage and Will i.am.,” says the British guy in the black suit. I would not describe it as “explosive.” I would describe it as weird and very nearly amateurish in its execution.
I’m wondering how Chelsea Handler is going to do as host of the awards, when she has taken so many pot shots at the likes of Britney Spears (et. al.) (See previous Associated Content article for her crack about Britney’s little sister.)
I like to write humor, but I have come to recognize how difficult it is to do in these politically correct times. For a while, midgets (who now demand to be called Little People) were about the only group that didn’t have a strong enough lobby to get comics to quit making fun of them. Any ethnic group is off-limits.
There was just an ad for Pop-Tarts and now there is one for freecreditscore.com, whatever that is. (Who really wants to check their credit score during a music awards show?) Now there is an ad for 4-gum.com that features an attractive female being dropped to a waiting crowd below.
I’ve just learned the name of the British dude: Tim Kash. Good to know. Although I’ll never care or watch him again. This entire white carpet thing seems to be a showcase for nobodies, although there is a guy in a spacesuit wandering around.
Now we have the Jackass cast, coming out soon in “Jackass 3-D.” [Just shoot me now.] “Would you guys ever do a video with Justin Bieber?” they are asked, to which the response from Johnny Knoxville is, “Who?”
We are now being treated to the merging of 2 cultural lows: the cast of the Jersey Shore on the way to see Johnny Knoxville be gored by a bull. Some poor guy sitting in a porta-potty is being vaulted into space. One of the Jersey Shore cast says, “If I’m entertained, it must be funny.” Actually, Mr. Situation, no — not really.
Ashley Greene is now on the white carpet. She is very pretty. She apparently did some sort of white or red carpet pre-show some other year.
Now we are back to the chubby female MTV Vee-Jay and some Twitter contest winner has just been awarded 2 tickets to the show. There is an awkward pause and we see Joe Manganiello (“True Blood”) and Evan Rachel Wood, who looks cadaverous. I may be wrong, but wasn’t Evan Rachel Wood in “The Wrestler,” portraying Mickey Rourke’s daughter? She says she just wrapped up a remake of the movie Mildred Pierce. (Joan Crawford is officially spinning in her grave.) Someone named Julianne Hough is shilling for her new movie “Burlesque.” There is apparently a contest to select the best dancer in America. (Correct me if I’m wrong (again), but I thought we already had at least 2 shows on television doing exactly that. Do we really need more?)
Now the local Bennigan’s is advertising a burger basket for $5.99 every Wednesday. There is a really bad theme song playing behind this ad. Someone named Nick McFarlin has come onscreen to advertise Black Hawk College. The volume has gone up about 10 decibels and I am going deaf, (which might actually come in handy later on.)
More ads for the show about the guy who goes around bothering people by living with them in “The World of Jenks.” I can only pray that this series will be short-lived.
Guy in white hat is standing next to B.O.B. Why do entertainers like B.O.B. and Will i.am. do this? It’s more annoying than Prince’s use of a symbol instead of his name, which was actually a pretty smart business move, I’ve had it explained.
We are being treated to a clip of Kanye West’s new something-or-other that has deer and ballerinas in it. Right. That’s what I always think of when I think of Kanye West: a woman in feathers, a nuclear explosion, deer, and ballerinas. Kanye needs to get a grip on his ego. This song or film is called “Runaway.” It is apparently the song he is going to sing/rap/shout later tonight.
The chubby VJ says that there are 3,000 tweets per minute. Just think of how much wasted time that represents. If you put all that time together, you could knit a sweater or something.
Lots of fake pleather/leather on view. It’s being called “rocker chic.” I call it “fake leather that looks like low-class trash.” Keisha says her dress is made out of a garbage bag. I do not find this hard to believe. She is nominated for 3 of the MTV Awards. She’d like to win “Best Artist.” The British guy is about half as sturdy-looking as Keisha and just told her she looked like trash. [Nice.] Apparently, Keisha arrived in a DeLorean. She usually drives around in, she says, in “a total banger” but says she has a Trans-Am. Thank heavens she has transportation of her own in L.A., rather than having to rely on public transportation. (New York or Chicago L.A. is not.) She might have missed this awards show.
Honda CRZ Sports Hybrid looks pretty fine in ads that are running now. The $19.95 poncho (H&M) being advertised, however, looks like it might fit right into the show where what’s-his-name goes around moving in with homeless people who may or may not want him to. Justin Bieber just sang “Happy Birthday” but it is not clear to whom he was singing.
Lady Gaga is talking to white hat guy. She has a record-breaking 13 nominations and has already won 2 of the Moon Men. She has a long white or gray wig with spikey things coming out of her head. Her dress is gold, red and green from Alexander McQueen’s last collection, after which he committed suicide. She says the people with her are with SLDN. She is talking about something having to do with people who have retired or left the military, but what the cause may be is shrouded in mystery. She has referred to the white hat guy as either Suede or Sway. (Who knows?)
Eminem is back to open the VMA’s and supposedly Kanye West is going to close the ceremony.
“Big night for hip-hop.” (Means a small night for me).
The Big Show Starts Right Now.