Coming a long way in weight loss, I’m not proud to say that I once was somewhere between three hundred and twelve pounds to three hundred and twenty-four pound that I can guess. You see I stopped looking at the scale when I reached two hundred and ninety-three pounds. The result of being on dangerously high doses of prescribed medication under close medical supervision for three years. I ballooned taking a cocktail of twelve different main medications and the side affects oh weren’t a joy ride. It took close to another seven years to full wean the medications safely. In the seven years I lost a slow hundred pounds to my dissatisfaction.
This summer was marvelous though as of April 2010 to August 2010 I lost a whopping whole fifty-four pounds. I was so ecstatic that I lost so much for the first time in my life without even trying. I looked at the fact my days of being medically unsound was finally over. I dug up old summer dresses I haven’t worn in years. Here it was approaching a hundred degree and I can wear something a little more appealing. Yeah! I forgot one thing some items needed to be replaced. I got dressed to do some errands: go by the bank, pay the auto insurance, drop off books at the library, a little grocery shopping and fill the car with gas. It was oh my god an oppressing hot day with high humidity you could feel everything pressing against you. Even the air felt sticky a breeze did not even help unless walking into an oven is comforting.
Well as the day went on warm outside cool inside places needing to take care of business. I noticed a whole wet and dry thing going on with the clothes and felt even looser. I’m burning the calories today with my to-do list. My last stop was at the service station I’ve been running around since seven in the morning and here it’s close to three in the afternoon. I decide to get myself a glorified candy bar with protein. Yes, one of those expensive energy bars something with chocolate. Just as I’m reaching the top shelf, it happened. I went “eek’ and shuddered a little, looked around to see if any one is around. Oh, crap a local police officer is looking at me with suspicion. Confident he’s far enough I edge away a little distance and he approaches closer. It becomes a cat and mouse game soon as he’s far enough for me to — — “oh no!”
Shutting my eyes then take a deep breath and finding the courage to face him. I blurt out, ” High, I’m trying to save my dignity here, but you won’t have any of it will you.” I bend down reach for my underpants now around my ankles without missing a beat. Coming up straight I look at him, “Look these are mine and I’ve lost a lot of weight this summer so now that you know I’m not shop lifting or something. I will put these in my purse and leave hoping to find a rock to crawl under thank you and have a nice day!” I walk right past him while shoving my underwear into my purse. He was probably more surprised than I was at that experience but as Murphy’s Law would have it he was good looking.
I’ve since learned my lesson on wardrobe malfunctions this my third and of course always caught by this woman by very attractive guys with an impression I don’t want to give. This time a local police officer became my official fashion policeman. Yes, god created spandex for a reason rescue a woman at the mercy of embarrassment. Driving home I wonder about things like undergarment suspenders, girdles with padlocks, panty hose that can run a semi and etc. Even if the temperature soars to a thousand degrees it’s not worth the mercy of how my heart pounded at facing that police officer. I almost went into cardiac arrest without underpants I’m not Brittney Spears material I swear. I got home and went straight to work loading my purse practicing a little grandma wisdom. Carry safety pins, a sewing kit all in your purse young lady and if all else fails then the southern woman’s ultimate wardrobe repair miracle roll of duct tape!’