Act I Scene I
The setting is in the future, 1992. After the great Zombie time travel debacle, Zombies and humans have reached an uneasy agreement: Both are free to roam at will, with the understanding that zombies will always try to eat humans (regulars, or regs as they’re called) and humans are within their right to defend themselves by killing zombies. Beany Todd is a local cafe owner, playing both sides of the unrest. He owns a shop that attracts a steady stream of regulars. This makes the zombies happy by providing them with a place they know they can find fresh flesh, so they refrain from trying to eat Beany . . . unless they just can’t help it.
Beany Todd: Good day sir how can I . . . JAMES EARL JONES ZOMBIE!!!!!!
Beany deftly dodges from a deadly zombie swipe. James Earl Jones Zombie tries walking straight through the counter but can’t. It’s a counter. He tries again with his patented zombie swipe.
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAAARRRRRRRRR.
Beany Todd: NOOO!!!
Beany closes the left hand of James Earl Jones Zombie in his espresso grinder and turns it on, grinding single origin Rwandan espresso and zombie out the chute. James Earl Jones Zombie removes his stump from the grinder and leaves the cafe looking for easier flesh to eat.
Beany Todd: Man oh man, what a mess, how am I supposed to get this cleaned up before the next customer arr-
Liv Tyler: I’d like a cappuccino please.
Beany Todd: But the grinder’s got Jame-
Liv Tyler: I don’t care what’ in it, just make me a cappuccino right now.
Beany Todd: Okaaaaaay . . .
Beany makes a James Earl Jones Zombie hand cappuccino and gives it to Liv Tyler. She takes a sip.
Beany: How is it?
Liv Tyler: It tastes . . . familiar.
cue creepy music.
After some incredibly sappy witty banter, Beany and Liv find themselves sitting at a table in the cafe. Liv sips on her Zombiccino and Beany eats a scone.
Beany: So tell me a little about yourself Liv. I know you’re an actress and your father is the lead singer of Aerosmith-
Liv: Actually, I was adopted.
Liv Tyler gulps the last of her drink down.
Liv: My real father is James Earl Jones. Burp. Excuse me.
Beany: Uh oh.
Liv: What is it?
Beany: Well, so I might have served you a cappuccino with zombie parts in it.
Liv: . . .
Beany: And the Zombie might have been James Earl Jones.
Liv: . . .
Beany: Who, it turns out, is your real father.
Liv: Well, I do recall you trying to protest when I ordered the cappuccino, but I insisted, so it’s hardly your fault.
Liv: But I must confess I am a little disturbed at the fact I just drank a zombified portion of my biological father in the form of a cappuccino.
Beany: One could hardly blame you.
Liv: So what happens when a human consumes a Zombie? Has that ever happened before?
Beany: Well, I suppose it means that you’re half human, half zombie. We’ll just have to wait and see which half gets what.
Liv: I’m scared.
Beany: You’re beautiful.
Liv and Beany look deep into each others eyes and at that moment fall in love.
Beany: You’ve got a little milk mustache, let me get it.
Beany takes care of the milk with a big sloppy kiss. Only halfway into it does he realize that the milk probably had bits of James Earl Jones Zombie in it. He almost didn’t care.
Several days later. Beany has asked Liv to come work at the cafe with him. So far Liv has shown no Zombie tendencies. She has proven to be an excellent barista though.
Liv Tyler: Can I take your order?
Sean Connery: I’d like a double expresso.
Liv Tyler: You mean espresso?
Sean Connery: Yes, expresso.
Liv Tyler: It’s pronounced espresso. There’s no x in it.
Sean Connery: Listen lassie, it’s my bloody drink, and if I want an x in it there’s sure as 007 James Bond gonna be an x in it.
Liv Tyler: Fine.
Makes drink and gives it to Connery, who leaves the cafe, taking the porcelain cup with him.
Live Tyler: So, do only incredibly successful movie stars come in here?
Beany Todd: Of course not. I mean, you came in didn’t you?
Incredibly awkward silence.
Beany Todd: . . . What?
Liv Tyler: Well I’d like to think that I wa- AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
At this point Liv Tyler begins her half zombie transformation. Not a lot happens on the outside, it’s more of an internal process.
Beany Todd: Are you okay? For a second you just sounded li- JAMES EARL JONES ZOMBIE!!!
Back for another try, James Earl Jones Zombie swings a Zombie stump in Beany’s direction. Beany backs away, and suddenly Liv Tyler Half Zombie steps in between them.
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: I agree. However, AAAARRRRRRRR.
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAARRRRRRRRR?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Yes.
James Earl Jones Zombie stumbles away.
Beany Todd: What just happened?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: I don’t know . . .
Cue scary music
End of Act I
Three years later. Liv Tyler has become a link, a conduit, a conjunction if you will, between the Regulars and the Zombies. Her unique position as half Regular, half Zombie gives her the ability not only to communicate fluently to both sides, but also empathize with their positions. As the Regulars ambassador to the Zombies, and the Zombies ambassador to the Regulars, she actually has to separate offices. The one the Regulars gave her is nicer so she works out of there. Beany has come to pick Liv Tyler up for a lunch date.
Beany Todd: Hey there good lookin’ I’m here for our lunch date, are you ready to go?
Live Tyler Half Zombie: ARRAAR . . . I mean, yes I’m ready. I’ve invited somebody to join us, is that okay?
Beany Todd: Sure no problem, who is i-JAMES EARL JONES ZOMBIE!!!!!!
James Earl Jones Zombie makes a half-hearted zombie swipe at Beany, who easily avoids it before hiding behind Liv.
Beany Todd. You invited James Earl Jones Zombie to lunch with us?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Yes
Beany Todd: But James Earl Jones Zombie always tries to eat me! Always! Every time I see him, he tries to knock me down and consume my flesh!
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Yes but you saw this time he only kind of tried to knock you over and consume your flesh. I’m teaching him how to behave. If we’re going to have a relationship, I want you two to be on good terms with each other?
Beany Todd: So you’ve trained him not to eat people?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Oh no, he still eats people all the time. He’s a zombie. I’ve trained him not to eat you. Mostly.
Beany Todd: . . .Right.
So Beany, Liv, and James Earl Jones Zombie make their way to the corner deli with beany being careful to keep Liv between James Earl Jones Zombie and himself. They grab an outside seat and place their orders. Beany, for various reasons since the Zombie invasion, has become a vegetarian and orders a veggie wrap. Liv, being half zombie, has to eat flesh, but can survive off animal flesh instead of human, which is a plus. She orders a Reuben. James Earl Jones Zombie had already eaten a Reuben earlier (Reuben Goldstein, a local dentist) and was full so he had a cup of tea.
Beany: So, Mr. James Earl Jones Zombie, what has life been like since you became a zombie?
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAAARRRRRRAAARRRRRRARR.
Beany: Translation Liv?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Oh I don’t understand what he says.
Beany: What? I thought you could understand Zombie language.
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: No, I can only speak it. I can’t understand it.
Beany: But didn’t you just help him order a cup of tea?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Don’t let yourself get confused by the narrative.
Beany: . . .
Liv: . . .
Beany: But aren’t you the Zombie Ambassador? Isn’t that why you’re hired as a link between the Zombies and the humans? Because you understand us both?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Well, it does make things difficult when you only half understand the language. I’m only half zombie, remember. So I can communicate to the zombies, and if they don’t try to eat me, I figure things went pretty well.
Beany Todd: And if they do try to eat you?
Live Tyler Half Zombie: I run. Is this scene going anywhere?
Beany Todd: It’s mostly filler and character development. Will you marry me?
Liv Tyler Half Zombie: Sure.
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAARRRRRRRRRRAAAAARRR!
Act II Scene II
The next day. Things move fast in a world shared by humans and zombies. With the possibilityof zombification always looming over your head you make decisions and implement them as soon as possible. The result being a surge in marriage, small bank accounts, and few lawyers. Beany and Liv had the date set by the end of lunch the previous day. Traditional weddings have fallen out of practice because large groups of people congregating together is the zombie equivalent of chumming the water for sharks. Thereforemost wedding are now done on the run. Beany and Liv started at the cafe and had friends and family strategically placed around the block so as to join the ceremony as they jogged past. We find the soon to be married couple waiting on the pastor and James Earl Jones Zombie.
Beany: I wonder what’s taking your dad so lon- JAMES EARL JONES ZOMBIE!!
James Earl Jones Zombie makes one last genuine attempt to eat Beany before he marries his daughter. He makes a zombie feint to the left and strikes right for Beany’s heart. Fortunately zombie feints never work because they are so slow. Beany easily dodges the strike.
Beany: Not cool.
James Earl Jones Zombie: RAAAAARRRRRRARR!!
Liv: Oh dad.
Beany: Say, I wonder what’s taking the pastor so long?
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAAAAARRRRARARAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Liv: Oh dear.
Liv: I think dad ate the Pastor.
Beany: Oh that’s just swell. What are we gonna do now?
Liv: Well, if dad ate the pastor, then I guess he IS part pastor . . .
Beany: Are you for real?
And so it was that the first zombie officiated wedding in history occurred. It was short and to the point since nobody understood what was said. Afterwards there was finger food, but only the zombies ate. You know, because it was fingers.
End Act II
Nine months later (hint hint). Beany has spent the last nine months terrified that he and half-zombie Liv Tyler-Todd’s one quarter zombie child would attempt to eat his way out into the world. Fortunately, babies don’t have teeth, so the best he could do is gum, which while painful does no real damage.
Beany: Oh Liv, I’ve been so worried that our one quarter zombie child would eat his way out.
Liv: Really? YOU’VE been worried??
Beany: Yes. Why did you emphasize it like that?
James Earl Jones Zombie: RRRAAAARRRARAAAAAA!!!
Liv: Yes father, it is very exciting to finally be at the hospital to have this baby.
Liv, Beany, and James Earl Jones Zombie walk up to the front desk.
Beany: We’re hear to deliver a one quarter zombie baby.
Nurse: . . .
Liv: Dear, remember what we talked about people first language? It’s not a one quarter zombie baby, it’s a baby that’s one quarter zombie.
Nurse: . . .
Beany: We were afraid that it would eat it’s way out.
Nurse: . . .
James Earl Jones Zombie: RRRRAAAAARARAAAAAA!!!!!
Nurse: . . .
Beany: Are we gonna do this, or do you want an agitated James Earl Jones zombie standing beside your desk all day?
Nurse: Ah, well delivery is third floor, I’m trusting, hoping, and more or less demanding that you be able to get there by yourself.
Beany: Sure, where are the stairs?
Nurse: The stairs are out of order, you’ll have to take the elevator.
Beany: Are you for real? How do stairs get out of order? Are they numbered?
Nurse: . . .
Liv: Let’s just go Beany.
The three walk to the elevator. Liv and James Earl Jones Zombie walk in. Beany stands outside.
Liv: Aren’t you coming?
Beany: Well to be perfectly honest, I’m not exactly stoked about the idea of getting into an elevator with a zombie. You’re dad does try to regularly eat me, and there’s not much room to run in there.
Liv: Beany dad would’nt try to eat you in the elevator.
James Earl Jones Zombie: RAAAAARARRAARRARJLKJLAAAA!!!
Beany: . . .
Liv: Well it’s just two floors, I’ll stand in between you and fend dad off till we get there.
Beany gets in the elevator staying in between Liv and James Earl Jones Zombie. He pressed the button for the appropriate floor, and the elevator starts. Then the elevator stops.
Beany: The elevator’s stuck! Are you kidding me!!!
Liv: Well it is a movie.
Liv: Uh oh, I think the baby’s coming!!!!
Beany: In the elevator?
Liv: No, out of me!
The lights go out
James Earl Jones Zombie: AAWWWRRRRRRAAAAAARARRRRRRRR!!!!!!