Video game heroes are always thought to be moral, just, and righteous individuals, but if you stop to look at their actions, you’ll find that most video game heroes are really jerks in disguise. Following are seven video game characters that you thought were heroes, but were actually full-fledged criminals instead.
Ash Ketchum – Animal Cruelty
“Gotta catch ’em all” is the “catch” phrase of the popular Pokémon video game series, but while you were playing this game as a child, you probably had no idea that it was also the mantra of a deranged and sick animal victimizer. Ash Ketchum, the protagonist of the original Pokémon games, is the absolute worst thing to happen to Pokémon. Ash creeps through the grass hunting for Pokémon that he then beats to near death, imprisons, and forces to a life of slavery and animal fighting. What Ash refers to as collecting is actually called kidnapping and enslavement and in the real world animal fighting is against the law – ask Mike Vick.
Mario – Stalking
The tale of Mario – of Super Mario Brother fame – is that of a courageous plumber whose mission is to save the damsel in distress, Princess Toadstool. The only thing wrong with Mario’s story is that it’s a total load of crap. The Mario saga is really a story about a stalker that became obsessed with one of his clients after cleaning her toilettes, and if you think about it, it makes perfect sense that Mario is a stalker and not a hero. According to Mario, the princess just so happens to get captured by Bowser over and over again, but it’s likely that Bowser is really Princess Toadstool’s head of security and that Mario is the biggest offender in Toadstool. After all, why would Princess Toadstool constantly have Toad covering for her, by telling Mario that the princess isn’t around, or in other words “the Princess is in another castle”?
Pac-Man – Trespassing and Theft
Pac-Man is probably the only video game hero that can rival Mario’s fame, but both are equally guilty according to the law. When we play Pac-Man we see this lovable chees-like character that loves eating pellets, but what Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde see is a trespassing jerk that’s eating up everything in their house – including them from time to time. Pac-Man travels from map to map eating every valuable resource that he sees, but we’ve never asked what right Pac-Man has to do so. If someone broke into your “joint” and went all gluttonous like only Pac-Man could, you’d be equally as adamant about getting him the heck out of there as Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde.
Link – Vandalism and Theft
Link is actually a well rounded video game hero; he’s awesome with the bow and arrow, packs a mean sword, can ride a horse pretty darn well and never refuses a quest. Unfortunately, for Link and everyone else in Hyrule, being a hero doesn’t seem to pay Link that much. To make his “bread and butter” link goes takes on a life of vandalism and theft. Link is known to go around Hyrule breaking vases, lifting rocks, and climbing rooftops to find rupees – Hyrule’s form of currency – and according the Link, he’s completely entitled to whatever he finds; no matter whose stuff he’s busted open to get it.
Bomberman – Terrorism, Murder, and Pyromania
Finding out that Bomberman was a terrorist was sort of like finding out why animals mounted each other on the Discovery Channel; when I was a child I was aware of what I saw, but it wasn’t until I got older that I “got” what was really happening. As a child I watched as Bomberman planted bombs and hid behind objects as he purposely tried to murder everyone within close range. I’m not sure what that’s called in the video game world, but around here, it’s called terrorism.
Sonic the Hedgehog – Reckless Endangerment and Theft
Sonic is the fastest creature around, but he’s completely too irresponsible for such a speedy character. Sonic dashes through worlds, jumping on springs, running straight through stop signs – those aren’t minigames portals – and doesn’t care who gets hurt or what robotic animals gets killed along the way. Reckless endangerment is just the tip of the iceberg with our beloved blue hedgehog. We know that Sonic is fast, but we never stopped to ask why he needs to be so fast. As Sonic jets through platform worlds as fast as all heck, he just so happens to be robbing every land of every coin in sight. Sonic gets busted every now and then and loses some of his stolen coins, but that’s not enough to stop him; he just starts back where he left off and continues stealing again.
Lara Croft – Poaching
Lara Croft is a vicious murderer, but in most Tomb Raider games Lara hardly ever kills humans. Lara often travels to exotic locations and kills animals like Siberian Tigers, White Tigers, Silverback Gorillas, Sharks and even goes as far as to kill prehistoric animals in Tomb Raider Anniversary. Killing animals is bad enough, but Lara has a thing for killing endangered species; and that, my friend, is called poaching.
For more, read 9 Video Game Series that Need to Die, but Keep Coming Back , 5 Sega Dreamcast Games that Need a Next Gen Reboot , and 10 Video Games We Keep Buying, but Haven’t Changed in Eons .
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