I live a boring life. My Halloween observance is limited to buying and eating bags of Brach’s Candy Corn and Autumn Mix, which are readily available for addicts like me at Walgreens. Even the local trick-or-treaters don’t come to my place. I live in a tiny basement apartment and nobody knows that I have my own little doorbell way over on the side of the house. That is pretty pathetic.
Imagination is free, though, and there is nothing wrong with indulging in a fantasy of the absolutely perfect Halloween party.
Picture it: my ten-room penthouse apartment in a luxury high-rise overlooking the Hudson River. (Hey! This is my freaking fantasy, and if I want to elevate myself to an apartment that Gordon Gecko would buy, I’ll do it!)
Where was I? Oh yes: I’m giving a Halloween party in my obscenely opulent penthouse.
The apartment has been decorated to look like a Turkish harem, complete with oriental rugs, little round tables, ottomans all over the place and silk curtains. Most of my guests have arrived. They are enjoying pre-dinner cocktails, served by an incredibly gorgeous bartender who looks like a cross between Sean Penn and George Clooney. A crew of waiters is serving hors d’oeuvres.
I am looking ravishingly hot in that sexy pirate wench outfit that I bought online from OneStopPlus.com (these people, here: http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-Plus-Size-Halloween-Costumes.aspx?DeptId=20158 ).
The guests include all of my normal, everyday friends and a smattering of very special celebrities. Herman and Lily Munster are sitting on the divan in the middle of the room, having a lively conversation with my friend Dorothy. Lily has brought us some of her famous bat wing stew, in a large cauldron that I persuaded her to leave with the caterers in the kitchen. Their son Eddie, who is now a musician, is in another room where his band, the Grateful Undead, is playing some retro rock. His vocalist for the evening is Winifred Sanderson, who is here with her two sisters. They have been paroled (again) from the netherworld, on the condition that they will have absolutely no contact with children, dead ex-boyfriends, big books with eyes on them or virgins.
Norman Bates is here, standing over in a corner giving advice to my friend Pat, who wants to go into the motel business. Norman’s mother was invited, too, but he gave me her regrets, explaining that she was not feeling well and was so tired she was absolutely dead.
The Addams Family had another party to attend, but Morticia has graciously loaned me Thing, who is displayed on one of the little round tables. People have been handing him drinks for a couple of hours, which he eagerly grabs and pours down into his black box. Thing has become noticeably limp, except when someone hands him another drink, at which point he pours it down his black box and goes limp again.
Baron Frankenstein’s monster and his bride (actually his fiancée, since they never actually tied the knot) are in another corner, talking to my friends Joan and Ray. Joan is eager to know what hairdresser the bride used to get that fantastic frizzy look with the great streak. It has taken the bride a while to warm up to the monster. If you remember, she screamed when she first saw him. I guess he wasn’t so repulsive once she got to know him.
I deliberately left Freddie Kruger off my guest list. Having him in my living room would be too weird even for me.
The doorbell rings and I answer it myself. (Okay, okay! It’s my fantasy and if I want to have the incredibly sexy butler with the rock-solid biceps and abs sitting in the Jacuzzi rather than waste him on answering the door … you get the idea.)
It’s Count Dracula, fashionably late and looking as sexy as always. He would be even more handsome if he would do something about those teeth of his, but he seems to like them that way. We greet each other, and he heads over to the bar and orders a Bloody Mary.
The rest of the evening is a big blur of revelry and a great time is had by all.
My own totally strange imagination
The Munsters: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057773/
Hocus Pocus: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107120/
The Addams Family: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057729/
The Bride of Frankenstein: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0026138/
Nightmare on Elm Street: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087800/