It’s pouring rain outside. Even my dog won’t go out there unless I go out with her to suffer in the pouring rain and ghastly wind. Nothing good is on TV, my current book I’m reading is a real snooze-fest, and my fiance will be home tomorrow night, so I might as well take this gloomy day to clean up my disaster of a house.
It is amazing what a single female can do to a home in a weeks’ time. There is not a single dish left in the sink- not even a butter knife. I ate last night’s dinner out of the pot since I’m too lazy to wash dishes, and no way in hell was I going to stick my hands in week-old soupy dishwater to fish out a slimy fork, so I ate with one of those huge fork thingys that you use for barbecuing. Ahh, this is the life…
There are at least 3,000 Q-tips all over the bathroom. On the floor, in the sink, all over the counter space. Not to mention all the wadded up tissues and empty toilet paper rolls littering the bathroom. Towels everywhere, underwear shoved next to the toilet, getting a sniff test to see how many days I can wear them because I’m too lazy to do laundry.
There are Ramen Noodle fragments all over my living room floor. Apparently, the cat likes Top Ramen, and my dog likes it even more, so there are crumbs and chewed up wrappers EVERYWHERE! Eventually I’ll get to that beast of a vacuum cleaner (you’re gonna get it now, Kirby- buahahahahahhaaaaaa), and clean up the midnight cupboard adventures the cat and dog relish while I pass out on the couch- which is littered with my clothing and candy bar wrappers that I just sleep on.
There is trash everywhere I look. A box of band aids the cat decided to scatter yesterday when I went to the craft fair, forks and spoons and bowls on the floor, licked spotless by my dog (I’m trying really hard not to feed her people food, but then I have a clean dish I don’t have to wash for my next meal, and I just have to dig around for a fork and I’m all good), dirty socks all over the place, dog hair and cat hair and leaves and dirt and mud in the kitchen, along with the shredded bag of cat food in confetti pieces blown under the refrigerator and stove.
All my shoes moved into the living room, as did every pillow in the house. Every washcloth I own is within 3 feet of where I’m sitting, crusty from being wet (I get migraines and ice cold washcloths help), and I have to sift through the endless junk mail to get to my cell phone, which is on the floor.
The litter box looks like a crap fest. I pass it numerous times a day in the hallway and just ignore it. I have to kick clothes and books and papers out of the way to enter the bedroom. I thought this week I’d clean out my closet- so I dumped all my shit on the bed and left it there. My change jar is dumped out all over the floor, about a hundred bucks worth of coins my cat pounces on and strews everywhere. I kicked away a path to get to the bedroom, promising myself daily I will get the room cleaned.
It’s crunch time now. My fiance is coming home tomorrow night and will shit his pants if he sees the way I let the whole house go when he’s gone. I do this every other week- completely obliterate any organization or cleanliness until about 3 hours before my fiance comes in the door. Then he walks in and says how nice it smells, how clean it looks, what a great little housekeeper I am. Meanwhile, I’m panting from all the ass-busting housework I did and darting my eyes around hoping he doesn’t look under the sink where I shoved all the dirty pans or that he doesn’t open the cabinets in the bathroom because that’s where I shoved all the garbage because our garbage can is full and I don’t want to drag it to the dumpster.
Why don’t I just keep the house clean, you say? Because then I would actually have to put my stuff away daily, wash dishes every day and basically do all those things I can’t stand on a daily basis. Why not just clean once a week and only torture myself for a few hours just before my man comes home? I will say I outdid myself this week, I am a slob champ this go-round, but I’ve got 24 hours to fix this disaster of a house. Now if only I would get off my ass and drain that disgusting water in the sink. I will as soon as I can find a wash cloth I can actually do dishes with. I suppose a sock will do.