Well it only hit 70 degrees in Alabama yesterday and the state is thinking about seeking federal funds to help people survive this cold spell.
If the high is only 70 degrees anywhere down South, you see strange things. I checked the temperature sign on the bank and it said 67 degrees. Meanwhile people were walking by wearing down jackets, boots and scarves. Go by a school bus stop and you will see kids wearing show suits, ski masks and mittens designed to stand the worse of arctic blasts.
I am not making this up. The people down South have blood that is thinner than an anorexic model, blood that is weaker than a Congressman’s thought process and a closet full of scarves and mittens in case the temperature drops below 80.
If the weatherman says the high will only be sixty, people down south are getting out the dog sleds, putting snow tires on their car and stacking firewood outside their house.
And I can’t make this up. Every time snow is predicted in Birmingham, the bread and milk aisles are cleaned out. You get that two inches of snow and God knows, you might be trapped in your house for minutes. It is good to have those supplies to help you survive in case the St. Bernard and the rescue squad don’t show up.
I really do think that when bread sales are slow, all the grocery stores go down and bribe the local weather man to predict snow. The grocers know that all the bread on the shelves will be gone by noon.
If there is even an inch of snow, people creep along the roads at a dazzling 20 miles per hour. God forbid you might spin out and land in a ditch where you will have to suffer and shiver – well at least until the temperature climbs to 70 degrees by noon.
You want to scare a Southerner? Tell him he is being transferred to Minot, South Dakota. Second and third choices are Frostbite Falls, Minnesota or Freeze Your Ass Off, Wyoming.
In fact I should quickly wrap this up. If the temperature plunges below 80, we might get hit with an ice storm, the power lines will break under all that ice, and there will be no power and I would lose this article, a tragedy worse than Sarah Palin being elected President.
Also I must rush to the Piggly Wiggly. If I get there in time, maybe I can snag that last loaf of bread and some dog food for my dog. I plan to keep my dog alive during this cold snap. Last time it got so bad, the temperature didn’t hit 80 for two days and I had to eat my dog to survive. Actually it didn’t help the dog’s survival but it helped mine.
Oh My God – I am beginning to think like a Southerner. Well it is only 65 out and icicles are beginning to form on my fingers. I better find some gloves before frostbites sets in.