It was that dreaded time of year. As Aunt Omega called it “time for her annual” which she usually stretched into eighteen months. Such a humiliating thing for a woman of her age to do, and this was with a brand new doctor that she had never met. He was no older than her own grandson, and even worse, he looked like he was twelve. How in the world could she let Doogie Howser examine her!
Oh well, the exam room was really nice and even had its own little dressing room to change in. As she slipped out of her shoes, she was feeling a little less embarrassed. There was a nice hook to hang her blouse and pants on and a shelf for her bra and panties.
Then the humility set in again as she looked at the little paper thing she had to put on. You couldn’t even call it a gown. It just came to her waist and she had been instructed by the nurse to “put it in so that it opens in the front.”
Aunt O unfolded the paper “sheet” that she would use to cover her bottom half and snarled, “Sheet, my eye! It looks more like a napkin or a tissue.” Suddenly, her mind went to a commercial from years ago that went, “Achoo, Dottie Doe Skin, Thank you.”
Back to the task at hand, Auntie wrapped herself as best she could in the sheet and ran to the exam table. She had kept on her knee-high hose. At least her feet didn’t feel so violated.
Then comes the worst part, feet in those cold metal stirrups and the doc says, “Now, scoot down.”
Does he know how hard it is for a woman of my age to “scoot down”… Can he say ” leg cramp”?
Finally, it’s over and the doc and nurse leave to let Aunt Omega try to regain some of her dignity. She runs for the privacy of that little dressing room, crams the paper sheet and “bed jacket” in the trash and grabs for her clothes.
Aunt O hurriedly gets her bra on and realizes her panties are missing! Oh no! She checks the hook holding her blouse and pants, looks under the stack of clean sheets and gowns, and as bad as she hates to, she even looks in the trash.
They are nowhere! What will she do? After awhile, the nurse will come to check on her. What is she going to say? “Someone stole my panties during the exam!” They will think she is crazy! Time is running out. It must have been fifteen minutes already, although it feels more like two hours.
Nothing left to do but put her blouse and pants on and get the heck out of dodge. They will probably find her panties later, but hopefully they won’t be sure just who they belong to.
As Aunt Omega stepped into her pants and began to pull them up, she realized that she already had her panties on! “Oh, thank the Lord!” She had been in such a hurry to reclaim her dignity, she had no memory of putting them back on.
Auntie left that doctors office feeling all intact, head held high, and big red pocketbook hanging on her arm. “See you next year, Ms. Omega,” the little receptionist chirped.
“Hmmmp, think I will stretch it out to two full years next time,” Auntie thought, as she shrugged her shoulders and prepared to face the world again.