The dating world is a tough one, blind dates especially, but your friends generally have your back when setting you up on blind dates, in the hopes that you as a single friend will also find love – don’t they?
In usual circumstances, first dates can be an awkward experience, but blind dates are a different kettle of fish altogether. Not being a fan of blind dates personally, what convinced me to throw caution to the wind and agree was a ‘friend’ (and I say the term loosely) twisting my am and describing the chappy as handsome, heroic, polite and witty – just up my street. More like just up Elm Street.
Yes – upon meeting my blind date the reality was somewhat different to the described. I started to wonder just what I had done exactly to tick my ‘friend’ off to want to set me up with such a horrific human being.
These situations can leave you in eternal torment and trauma but unlike me, you may have balls and make the right choices, and by making them at the right time, it may turn out to be an OK event in your life…
Timing is Crucial
Important Notice – Arrive late.
By arriving first, you could ruin it all. The key is to make sure that you are at least half an hour late so you can check this guy out before committing to enduring the ordeal or fleeing for the hills.
If you seem to have out loitered your stay in the lobby, all the while shunning inquiries of how much you charge, then its time to sit your butt down in the chosen restaurant and be the ‘first’ to arrive.
As you have already drawn a large amount of attention to yourself, try not to draw anymore by walking around each and every table checking out the men. This will cause onlookers to stare and you will look as if you are sizing them up for the night of business that earlier you had shunned. This just causes confusion in the camp – so just sit down and be still.
Look past your onlooker’s glances; after all, you have the upper hand here as they are to be a tad jealous when your date arrives.
Find comfort in ordering a bottle of wine and tilting your glass to all those on looking eyes. This will show your audience that you are confidant in what the night may bring for you and even if you are alone to begin with, you can still enjoy your own company if you had to (even if you generally despise it).
Your date however, seems to have mastered the art of the timing game and arrives 45 minutes late, giving no apology or explanation.
Do remember his entrance if you should be found in this crappy predicament again.
Word for the wise – Instead of grabbing the empty bottle of wine that you have consumed and knocking your date out with it – settle for thanking the good lord above that you now have someone there to prove that you are not the looser that the onlookers originally thought (after all, he has rescued you from the eternal shame of being stood up), (but keep the said bottle for later just incase).
Not quite what was described?
Important Notice – A pair of running stilettos are a necessity.
Now we don’t like to admit that we are shallow and only go for good looks, but what if your date looks absolutely nothing like how your ‘friend’ described? What if said date appears as if he has not seen water in 2 weeks and that his hair is matted with what can only be described as some sort of food remnant ground into it? What if this beast of a human then goes on to order a large neat vodka before the menu has even arrived, claiming that he never usually drinks and further more gets into a jealous rage just because one of the waiters complement you on your choice of main course?
Worst still, what if your date finds it funny to ask you to ‘pull his finger’ and then actually fart?
Remember your composure -Try to refrain from gasping ‘Oh Jesus No’ in horror, as this will give above onlookers a great treat and could possibly hurt the feelings of your date(how I am not sure when said date has arrived looking like a skip rat).
Be brave and look this monster of a situation square in the eyes and make a decision. You have two choices here – Brave it out or make like a tree and leave.
Things to take into consideration when making your decision:
• You may be a person of politeness and feel duty bound to forfeit a few hours out of your life to this nightmare.
• You’re a tad drunk
• Your stilettos are too high to run
• Your starving
• Your not normal and would feel tremendous amounts of guilt if you ditched this dude
If you fit into the first or last category and consider yourself a good egg, you may as well suck it up and get on with this trog of a date that was sent to you straight from hell. You can always write it off to experience and maybe enjoy some nice conversation over dinner? No? Oh dear. Then seriously consider becoming normal and take one of the following suggestions into account:
• Feigning illness and/or personal issues
• Declare having tourette’s and then prove it
• Claim to be clinically insane
• Pet emergency
Then get the hell out of there before further embarrassment, irritation or shame take place.
If you have decided against feigning illness etc and opted for the powering through option, then you really are a good egg and deserve a pat on the back.
Word for the wise – Order a pint of Vodka for your bravery (as you are going to need it).
If you find that just like your dates looks, the conversation is starting to resemble something out of ‘Hostel’, then you’re in for a long night. If you could describe your experience so far as mind numbingly awful, then you may have ticked off not just your friend but also the universe. Take a moment to digress and ponder what on earth you could have done to deserve this.
You may as well order yourself a vodka martini to help with relaxation purposes.
When the desired effect kicks in, a good attitude to have is a laid back one. So what if you sit in silence for 25 minutes watching your date picking the dirt out from underneath his finger nails. So what if it has gone past the point of no return in the conversation stakes.
Point to remember – To be a strong egg, your confidence may not plummet if your alcohol intake remains high.
B – Ill advice
To break the silence, why not order the bill. Careful planning is required when it comes to how the bill should be split. Why you may ask as the answer seems obvious. Not that obvious after you have consumed a bottle of wine, 6 vodka martinis and have just ordered a bloody big Bloody Mary. Now seeing as though your date is somewhat of an arse, it should fall upon the arse to pay the bill, or at least go Dutch. But being the arse that your date is, you could find yourself watching in horror as said asre scuttles off to the toilet, leaving you to deal with the bill. In this instance, it would be urged for you to use your running stilettos and flee to a better time, a time more peaceful and content, a time before ‘friends’ existed.
These things are not done by good eggs unfortunately. Don’t be disheartened as things may start to look up when your date finally comes back from his ‘bill escape’, and looks like he would love nothing more that to indulge in polite conversation.
This could be considered progress if your date was genuinely interested in you and your life. But sadly, what if the night started as it meant to go on and the polite conversation came in the form of your date asking you if you have any toenail clippers?
Good eggs are able to take all this in their stride. Being fueled with grotesque amounts ‘disillusion juice’ also helps.
Disillusion Juice Anyone?
‘Disillusion Juice’, other wise known as all the cocktails on the menu, helps immensely when the topic is brought up of going to a bar around the corner. It works by making you think that you no longer wish to hire a hit man to do this sucker in – Amazing isn’t it?
At least there will be others and more cocktails to distract attention away from your obscenely horrific date. Good advice would be to order a soft drink, maybe a Coke or Fanta, drink it quickly and then call it a night.
But with ‘Disillusion Juice’ now taking a firm hold, you could possibly allow yourself to make silly decisions by staying for another drink or 4. In this instance, make sure that any drink consumed has nothing ‘soft’ in them. The bar may be kicking but your date’s breath is still stinking. Thankfully this can be controlled by more cocktails – the more you drink, the less you notice stinking breath. The effects are truly awe inspiring.
Your subtle ‘touch me and die’ hints slowly start to fade away. Does the conversation also seem to be less boring than before as you are no longer in the ‘can I kill myself’ stage, but more leaning towards the ‘I can just about cope with this if I had 3 more cocktails’ stage. Is your date also starting to look better? Oh, not quite yet? Have margarita and you will soon notice the difference. When the desired effect is doing what it should, start to enjoy your evening – heck, even have another cocktail to celebrate your success! You may even find it possible to hold your breath for long enough to enjoy your dates once witless jokes.
I personally commend you for powering through as out of the goodness of your heart, you have persevered through this horrific experience. Tomorrow is a new day and you will certainly be able to announce to the world that you are not a shallow and ignorant person as you did not wimp out of this night that was dished up straight from the Devils kitchen.
Just as you thought things were on a mediocre level, your date mentions how he doesn’t really like ladies that carry a few extra pounds and then suggests a diet may be in order if you wish to continue dating. Not stopping there, your date may go on to proclaim that he needs to cut the date short whilst implying that he has another date to get along too.
A suggestion here would be to locate the empty bottle of wine that you had kept for such situation and swing it back and forth (obviously aiming for your date), whilst cussing and telling that sorry excuse of a man exactly how absurdly foul he is, until you see no signs of life left.
Tip for being a good egg – get it beaten it out of you.
Blind dating can be a mine field of freaks, losers ad weirdo’s with just a few ‘normal’ folk out there somewhere. What ever happened to your friends having your back?