Okay Mr. Boa Constrictor – you are officially out of business. Decommissioned. No longer needed, Hasta La Vista Baby !
No more lying around the snake den and day dreaming that you have arms. Or even legs and you could walk somewhere. No more hanging around the snake den where your only major accomplishment is shedding your skin once in a while. And getting the occasional mouse stuck in your throat -if you have a throat.
I would say no more being a lard butt, but do snakes have butts? No more sending the Mrs. out to hunt while you lie around and think of poor Cousin Eddie who wound up as a pair of snake skin cowboy boots on some Yahoo from Texas. That is the advantage of having the Mrs. hunting. It greatly diminishes your chances of being caught and turned into boots and greatly increased her chances.
Sure Mr. Boa, you can live up to 40 years , but it is destined that you will die alone, hanging from some tree, uncared for and unloved.
Because the sweet Mrs. is going to come home, drag your ass out of the den and tell you never to darken the cave again. She’s going to pack your dead skin and send it with you. Your days are numbered, so get one last sleep in, enjoy the pleasant cave, because you are as relevant as an abacus, as useless as a buggy whip and as needed as much as another reality show. You, my dear fellow, have no reason to keep living, you are as dead as the Latin language, as obsolete as a black and white television, as popular as a Democrat.
Here’s the bad news. The Mrs. has been cheating on you, Nope not with another handsome snake, but with herself. Here is the scoop:
“In a finding that upends decades of scientific theory on reptile reproduction, researchers at North Carolina State University have discovered that female boa constrictors can squeeze out babies without mating.”
Whoops who expected that news? Mr. Boa – maybe you could accept it if she left you for a gay lover. But no – she left you for herself .
And soon there may be no sign that you existed on this earth. No little grandbaby snakes carrying your genetics into the future. Because here is further bad news:
The study reports that “Large litters of all-female babies produced by the “super mom” boa constrictor show absolutely no male influence — no genetic fingerprint that a male was involved in the reproductive process. All the female babies also retained their mother’s rare recessive color mutation.”
Well that puts the kibosh on you and as soon as I find out what a kibosh is, I will let you know. The good news is that you could be a star on that TV show – you know the one called Lonely Planet.
I can grin at your fate because so far the only woman that needed no mate was the Virgin Mary. But then again, there could be a group of women working in a secret lab somewhere….?
But hey Mr. Boa – see you around – then again, maybe not.
North Carolina State University (2010, November 3). Boa constrictors can have babies without mating, new evidence shows. ScienceDaily. Retrieved November 4, 2010, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2010/11/101103111210.htm