It’s time again for the column that’s written on a very tight schedule, by which I mean approximately whenever I feel like it. Yes, “What Does Darren Think” is back despite popular demand. Today’s topic is centered on the piles and piles of mail I get every day from concerned fans, by which I mean that letter from three months ago I found under the sofa. Also, by “mail” I mean “complaint letters.”
Our first sample of mail from concerned fans is from Mrs. Stiltwater, who in her complaint letter writes:
“Dear Mr. Koobs,
I’ve read several of your so-called humor columns and it seems you have a lot against guys. I’m concerned that your generalizations will cause many women to wish they were lesbians. My husband, in common with many men his age, is 26. Despite being this young, he currently has none of the behavior you’ve been describing. I admit I had to train him with the aid of a frying pan, but I’m sure that, once he’s conscious again, he’ll no longer leave dirty dishes in the living room.
Clarece Stiltwater, Mrs.”
I’m sure I speak for all of us here at the column when I say we’re overjoyed at this sudden news. Guys can be trained. All you wives out there would do well practicing a strong overhand swing.
Another letter from our Complaint Letters from Concerned Readers Pile is from George Ruckus General III.
“I’m writing to complain about your overall library of articles. After three decades, I’d finally gotten my wife settled into my general guy-ness and I was happy. Then she stumbled on your opinionating and is now all fired up and frothing about problems that, until now, she was willing to live with. Why don’t you stop with your pointless banter and write about real issues, like anti-Semitism or back acne?”
We here at the column take our fans’ suggestions seriously. I’ll get right on that back acne thing.
And that does it for now. If any of my concerned fans wish to send us their opinions, or maybe bags of cash, write to us right away. Remember, when accompanied with money, complaint letters get the attention we deserve. I mean, they deserve.