Penelope Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness) on “Criminal Minds” is the BAU team’s computer technician. She is not only a breath of fresh air in an environment which could easily become stiff, the character is unique, humorous, and delivers some of the best lines of the show.
Garcia and Morgan
The banter between Morgan (Shemar Moore) and Garcia brings out some of the best lines in the show. While the two aren’t an item, viewers are aware of how very close friends Garcia and Morgan are.
-Garcia: “You know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible and McCoy says ‘dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a miracle worker’?”
Morgan: “Hey, are you telling me not to expect a miracle?”
Garcia: “No, I’m saying I’m not a doctor.”
-Morgan: “Oh, one last favor. Look up the words ‘sexy’ and ‘brilliant’ in that computer of yours and tell me what you come up with.”
Garcia: “Well, look at that. It’s me.”
Morgan: “You are Goddess, woman. Ciao.”
-Garcia to Morgan when he visited her in the hospital after she was shot:
“If you’re thinking of trying to take advantage of me, let me call my doctor so I can have him revive me afterwards.”
-Morgan tells Garcia that she’s on speaker phone and better behave herself. “Or what? You’ll spank me?” she asks.
Garcia and the team
While it’s obvious her main pal on the show is Morgan, Garcia has quite a way with the other members of the team, too. She seems to have more fun with Reid (Mathew Gray-Gubler) than many of the others.
-After Reid tells Garcia that he is sending her some cigarettes, she responds, “Why not a flesh-eating virus? It’ll be faster and far less painful.” When he then explains that the butts of the cigarettes need to be rushed to the lab for analysis, she says, “Oh, Reid… I love it when you say ‘butts’.”
-Reid thanks Garcia for a bit of information she provided. Garcia responds, “You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.”
“Remind me to have her drug-tested,” Hotch says as she walks away.
-Garcia finds a video which belonged to a suspect. She holds it up to Reid. “Ten bucks this involves naked coeds and a plumber.”
-As Garcia and Reid look at a photo of a younger Prentiss in punk clothing, Reid is amazed that there was a time when such clothing was socially acceptable. Garcia replied, “Oh, you’re young. The eighties left a lot of people confused. This is especially sad, though.”
Garcia answering the phone
Garcia is also famous for answering the phone in, most often, inappropriate ways, sometimes with the incorrect thought that it’s Morgan on the other end. Here are some of the best ways she has answered the phone.
-“Talk dirty to me.” Garcia finds out that it isn’t Morgan on the line but instead a higher authority. “Ma’am, I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else.”
-“Hiya, baby.” Fortunately, this time, it’s Morgan so Garcia goes one further and asks, “PG or NC-17?” Morgan informs her that she is on speaker phone with the team. “I charge extra for groups,” she replies.
-“He who seeks the ‘Queen of All Knowledge’, speak and be recognized.”
–“Penelope Garcia’s house of ‘How May I Save Your Ass Today?’.”
-“This is the Office of Unmitigated Superiority. I am always ready. With the awesome power I have in this room, all I need is 15 seconds on the phone to nail this skeevy perv.”
Other fun quotes from Penelope Garcia:
“When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song ‘Heroes’ playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness. Everything was really bright and I remember thinking, wait… is David Bowie really God?”
“I regrouped, looked at some pictures of baby pandas, and started over.”
“I’m not a doctor, I don’t even play one on TV, but I believe that young JJ here is going into labor.”
“I can only work with what they have and believe me when I tell you the 1980’s just called and they want their security system back.”
“You know what, Ma’am? I am done being nice. If you look to your cursor, you’ll notice it’s moving on it’s own. That’s me hacking your secure network. Now I’ve got your file, now I’ve got your social, and now, ’cause you’re grumpy, I’m gonna send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines.”
Sources: http://www.criminalmindsfanwiki.com/ ; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penelope_Garcia