We had a rough morning today, Bell and I did that is. I don’t think Mom’s morning was tough at all. For some reason, she once again did not fix Bell’s hair. This resulted in Bell screaming to her as she pulled away, “Mom, you forgot my pony tails!’ I was then instructed, or as I like to say, “Thrown under the bus”, to wash Isabel’s hair. Apparently, this will make it look nice and pretty. First off, we all know I should not be put in charge of grooming our children. I can bareley groom myself, much less a little girl with diva type expectations. This was a true catastrophe just waiting to happen.
You see, you women had baby dolls as children with actual hair to practice washing and putting up in cute little pony tails. Us guys, we had G.I. Joes with plastic heads. This is because men want nothing to do with the up keep of hair. The truth is, if us men had a choice, we’d all choose to have plastic hair. It would be so much easier, no more hair cuts or worrying about going bald. We could almost all but eliminate showers! A damp rag by the bed at night would suffice nicely in washing off any dirt or dust collected on our heads during the day. Ahhh yes, what a wonderful world that would be! If the Lord has a suggestion box when we all go to heaven, I’m suggesting plastic hair.
Anyway, now that I’ve drolled on about the benefits of plastic heads (Not sure where that came from, I must need more sleep or something) I can now continue on with how I was ambushed by my wife this morning into washing Bell’s hair. I’m sure Misti and my other two children laughed all the way to school about Daddy having to do this for the first time. You see, I’ve never washed any of our children’s hair before, sure, I’ve given them lots of baths, but when shampooing time came around, that’s always been Misti’s job. In my opinion, this is something that just needs a Mother’s touch. This theory of mine was actually proven this morning.
The bath began like any other bath, there were two energetic little children, ready, willing and eager to partake. Both Logan and Bell had a very happy first half of the bath, it was the latter part where things went bad. I remember it well, I remember when things started swirling out of control. It all began when I told Isabel it was time to wash her hair. She then gave me that look a Father never wants to see from his child, that complete look of disbelief, the one that questions whether or not I will be competent enough to do the job. You see, my idea was to just wet her hair down and avoid shampooing altogether, but this idea did not sit well with Bell. She wanted me to do it the right way, you know, like Mom does!? So after wetting her hair down, I took a big handful of “tear free” shampoo and started lathering up her head. Suddenly, in a somewhat alarmed voice, she started saying, “Too much, Too much!” I guess I may have overdone a little bit on the shampoo, but in my defense, she does have a lot of hair! Anyways, apparently some of that shampoo was seeping down her forehead towards her eyes, so I got some water in the hair washing thingy and proceeded to wash the threat away. I did not succeed in this attempt. All I successfully did, was pour a tidal wave of water over an already frantic little girls head. Suddenly, Bell started screaming, “My eyes, my eyes!” This resulted in her whole body quivering into a head shaking frenzy in which somehow, and I still don’t believe this truly happened, but some of the wetness she shook off herself got into Logan’s eye. Now, Logan started screaming in pain too and as Bell was wiping her eyes with her hands, she screamed at me, “See! I knew you weren’t good at this!” It was here, where we truly reached an all time bath taking low. I wiped Logan’s eye with my shirt and he was fine again, but Bell wouldn’t be so quick to forgive, or as far as that goes, forget this incident. We did however, somehow manage to survive it.
This whole debacle brings to memory the Johnson & Johnson’s personal seal of approval, their personal guarantee on the back of the bottle. It says, and I quote you: “We love toddlers. Our clinically proven No More Tears formula cleanses gently and rinses easily. Mom’s always trust Johnson’s Always Mild & Gentle!” What a lie, it should say, “We here at Johnson’s & Johnson’s love toddlers, however, if our shampoo does somehow get into one of your kids eyes, it’s going to hurt like a bitch! Be prepared for out of control, panic ridden children who have been clinically proven to lash out at their parents under these circumstances!” Stupid Johnson & Johnson, if those boys and I ever meet in a dark alley, we will have words.