What the fans didn’t know was that Coaches Wade Phillips and Jason Garret were trying for a balanced attack of 300 yards in penalties and 300 yards of offense. Jerry Jones was giving out bonuses for penalties and the player with the most at the end of year gets a million dollar payday.
Well, at least that’s the way it seemed anyway. After all, if you had incentives against penalties no one would be talking about a $55K dinner. Rather the discussion would be about how a certain rookie had to pay $10,000 penalties to Jerry Jones’ favorite charity for holding on that touchdown play. There should also be positive incentives. For each position the active player with the fewest penalties should get a $10 K bonus at the end of each week in which they win. If they make it to the play offs the active players with the fewest penalties should get $100K bonuses. And if they make it to the super bowl the active players with the fewest penalties at each position should get a million dollar bonus. The term “active players” will have to be defined by something like number of games played in a given period and the number of minutes played per game. The bonuses and penalties need to be on top of everything else the players are getting. Both the bonuses and penalties should be advertised so the press knows who got what. If there are any contractual or legal impediments to this scheme then figure out some other way to get it done. It’s still not against the law to give gifts or take someone out to dinner. Let the players have a penalty jar wherein everyone who commits a penalty has to put $10K into the jar and the active players who make the least penalties at the end of the year share the proceeds of the penalty jar. Where there is a will there is a way.
Those who characterize Dallas’ running attack refer to three-headed monster. Given that the running game sometimes realizes about a yard per carry, it’s actually more like a three-toed sloth. If your quarterback has gained the most yards in a game, your running is not attacking anyone.
You can’t blame the running backs though. Jerry Jones must be paying them something like $75,000 per yard. Giving that their production is at times a yard per rush, the very notion that they still get paid for looking for a soft place to lay down must strike the runners as so funny that they fall down laughing each time they think of it.
Some complain of excessive celebrations. Hey, some of these guys celebrate their bowel movements. Even the unsuccessful ones. You can hardly expect them to restrain themselves when they manage to fall down harmlessly. If you think it’s so easy you try to fall down without getting hurt!
Surely it is painful to these proud men when some characterize them in this way: “A sub par player who celebrates excessively when his level of play rises to the merely mediocre.”
And in closing I will paraphrase number 8. If you lose the special teams struggle, you lose the game. When was the last time you won the special teams struggle? And as a post script to a post script, if you don’t know how to practice getting turnovers you better learn. You will not win another game without an advantage in that area.
Best Glue Sniffer on the Short Bus Award
Audio Autoeroticism and Verbal Flatulence
Bad Bathroom Buddies
Cover Band for Satan
Constellation of Idiots in a Galaxy of Fools