As I went to go pick up Kate today…you remember Kate right? Kate Beckinsale? Yeah, so anyway, as I went to go pick her up today from some photoshoot something-or-other, I noticed this new road leading off from the highway, down into the hills. Me being the overly curious guy I am, and knowing that Kate would wait for me however long I told her to, I took an immediate detour down that path to find out where it led.
I have driven down this road several times a week, for many years now. Everyday I see the same old thing. It’s a winding road, white house on the left, three car garage, red brick house on the right, OJ Simpson throwing a bloody glove…I mean nothing has really changed. Up until now, that is. This new path seems like it popped up overnight. Wow, I really had to find out where it went, and who set it in place so fast.
As I make my way downhill, the path becomes bumpy and somewhat rough. It is nothing like the main highway leading into Beverly. No, this is something out of the ordinary for this part of Cali. I drove slowly, so I didn’t damage the infinitely impressive undercarriage of my new limited edition Lamborghini Virago. Seriously, that would almost upset me if this car got a ding.
The further I drove down the path, the more I thought about all of the old horror movies that I had starred in. I remembered Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes, and of course Jerry Maguire. At this point, I hadn’t even noticed that I stopped moving. I guess out of fear of hearing “You had me at hello”, I stopped the car and turned off the ignition. Ugh, it still sends chills down my spine.
As I snapped back to reality, and cleaned up from the cold sweats of “Show me the money!” reverbing through my mind, I noticed a house off in the distance. It had to be the largest house I had seen yet in Beverly Hills. Who could own this place, I wondered. It wouldn’t be Bill Gates, because he doesn’t actually live on Earth, and of course it woudn’t be Cher, because lets face it, her condo is in New Jersey, where the stench makes her career smell better. This really had me puzzled, so I called my agent, Tom Cruise. I won’t even get started on this guy…he’s slow, barely speaks english, and has some kind of mouth disorder that prevents him from opening his mouth all the way while speaking. I think it’s called mumblekins or something.
Anyway, I called Tom and asked him to check around and find out who owns this house, and drew him a picture in crayon of the area and faxed it to him from my iSnob. He loves crayons. I hung up the phone with Lurch…I mean Tom, and headed down the path on foot. I had to see what this place was, but couldn’t risk my Ferrari Testarosa being damaged. There was quite a distance ahead of me it seemed, so I picked up the pace a bit.
The closer I got, I saw large structures poking up into the sky. I was so intrigued at this point, I forgot all about Kate Beckinsale. I sprinted ahead, as I just so happened to be wearing my Armani Beet Stalkers and jogging suit. Man, it seemed as if I was coming up to a theme park or something. I thought to myself, I wonder if the carnival is in town. Oh, I could almost see the sign at this point. I was seconds away from being able to make out the words. N-E-V-E-R-L-A…..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I turned around immediately, running like a hamster from Bruno, begging to have my life spared. Oh, I can’t believe my foolishness! I fumbled around in my pocket for the car keys, pulled them out, and jumped in the Rolls Royce. Seconds away from certain doom, how could I have been so stupid!!! Can you believe I was almost the next person to experience “Thriller” in person! Tears came to my eyes as I screamed in terror. I had to get away fast. My goodness, seconds closer and I would have fallen prey to the King of “Pop”.
The highway came flying up quickly. I had no idea that I was already doing 240 mph on the pro-street drag bike I had built yesterday. At this point, I felt at ease. I was safe, back in the open where all citizens would see that I did not end up in anyones bed. Don’t feel too bad, MJ, I thought to myself, I am one less pain in your rear to come back and haunt you.
Finally, I was back on the way to see the semi-decent Kate. She wasn’t too concerned with my absence, as she feared my leaving her already. She saw how Penelope Cruz couldn’t take her eyes off of me. Apparently, she’s not happy with Tom either. She told me once in secret, how every time she hears the words, “Who’s coming with me?”, that it makes her wish she would have been born Rosanne Barr so she could roll over and smoosh him at night. Oh, what a sad, sad tale.