It all began on January 11th, 2007 at approximately 9:29 AM. After waiting over nine long months and several hours of grueling pain, I finally met her, my baby girl. It was instant love. Now, do not get me wrong, I loved her since she was growing inside of me. I had a very strong love for her. However, this new feeling was different!
When my daughter, Sara, was born she honestly looked like she had been run over by a truck then the truck backed up and ran her over again! Seriously, between the huge lump on her head from being suctioned with a vacuum out of me, to the dark purple birthmarks, bloody clumps all over and swollen face and body, she looked kind of scary. However, to a tired, smitten and slightly drugged mother, she looked perfect! In my own eyes, her beauty seemed obvious, so much, I remember calling out, “She is so beautiful!” The understanding and slightly amused doctor told me with a grin, “just wait; in a couple of weeks when the swelling and bruising is gone she will look even more beautiful!” Regardless of how she looked, I was truly in love.
When I brought Sara home two days after her birth, I sat down in the rocker we had strategically placed in her nursery. The room I had lovingly prepared and situated perfectly, excited for her arrival, was ready for use! I had dreamt and imagined holding her in that very rocking chair. Now, here I was, living my dream. I sat, alone with her and cried. The emotions were overwhelming. Many other couples would tell my husband and I their own homecoming stories, they usually all had similar descriptions of sitting down and thinking to themselves, “now what?” My story was different however. I did not get there…at least not yet, instead I sat there, never wanting to take my eyes off her. I never wanted to leave that moment. I knew exactly what to do, just be…in awe.
The love I felt was unusual. It was a feeling I had never before experienced. I could not understand how I had never felt this type of love. I couldn’t help but question myself; did I really ever love anyone? Of course I had, I just had a hard time comprehending this new and different kind of love. It is even hard to describe now. Just imagine your heart sucking in the entire sun. I know that sounds really weird. However, there is so much warmth in the love. Also, your heart feels so big, you feel like the sun could fit inside nicely. See, even that didn’t really let you understand the love that exists between mother and child. I guess it is an emotion that cannot be described, only felt.
We all have our own love stories, whether with a spouse, child or friend, or whether love at first sight or they simply grew on us. Although my love with Sara was instant and made such an impression on me, I will never forget the details. Most other mothers’ stories are far different. Some mothers do not feel that connection immediately. They question themselves, wondering why they don’t. They worry God had forgotten to give them their mother’s instincts. However, for nearly every mother (of course there are those few exceptions) they do find that love at some point. Sometimes it comes with an innocent child’s gaze, a surprising situation or simply over time. Remember, no one is less of a mother because they do not feel those strong emotions immediately. Every story must be different; otherwise, we would all be boring.