The following news brief is fake. But you didn’t hear that from me.
With an onslaught of people revealing too much of their personal opinions and lives on Facebook and other social media platforms, a slew of Fortune 500 companies have decided to hire robots instead of humans. Sources say that an overwhelming opinion at many corporate companies was that they’d rather have employees that follow orders without questioning management. They don’t want to risk hiring somebody that may post critical comments about their company on Facebook. A robot could never be a whistleblower.
“People with Facebook profiles are too hip and outspoken for corporate America. We’d much rather have uncreative squares that get the job done,” said John Bitfield, the CEO of a company that preferred to remain anonymous.
“Any potential employee that posts pics of their kids on Facebook, or of themselves partying it up with friends would not make a good fit at our company,” he added.
When asked if he had a Facebook profile, Bitfield replied, “Yes…but I didn’t complete my profile. Look, I’m an incompetent greedy bastard that has been defrauding the federal government, shareholders, and the American people in the relentless pursuit of record profits, but I’d never admit that in public. I’d be too scared of losing my job.”
When asked if he would fire a robot he hired if he found out the robot had a Facebook profile, he immediately said “No comment.”