Are you in elementary school and you have a report due for Thanksgiving.? Well this is your lucky day. I have written this report just for you and you can hand it in and get an A. Don’t even bother to read the report you little slime ball, I mean student, as this is the easy way to get an A. Just print this report out then you can go back to playing video games with half naked women and guns and car crashes.
And of course you will need a citation. It is www.lazyass.edu. Trust me on this. I am not a teacher but I play one on TV.
My Thanksgiving Report
Well it is time for our annual report on Thanksgiving. Actually this is the first and last annual report on Thanksgiving. because there is only so much we can say about Thanksgiving. You gather with family members once a year, which reminds you why you see them once a year, you eat some turkey, you fall asleep on the couch and Uncle Billie walks around all day saying “Pull my finger”, verifying why he doesn’t get out much.
But the first Thanksgiving was held by the Pilgrims in the New Orleans Super Dome, right after Katrina devastated Plymouth Rock. That of course is a little known fact, and remember you read it here first.
Other little known, but true facts , about the Pilgrims, include that they didn’t wear buckles so their pants kept falling down. Seriously buckles didn’t come into fashion until later in the 17th century, pilgrims did not wear buckles on their hats, clothes or shoes. But they did introduce the Indians to loin cloths.
Being a Pilgrim kid sucked because you could not hide in your room with your Play Station 3 as it was not invented yet. I think they did have Pong. But not only were there no video games, but the kids were expected to wait on the men during Thanksgiving. In fact that is why it is called Thanksgiving, the kids were thankful when it was over and they could go back and play Pong , except they had to wait for electricity to be invented.
And if you want to celebrate Thanksgiving like the Pilgrims did, go shoot a few deer as they had venison, not turkey for dinner . Also don’t worry about baking any pies. The Pilgrims had no ovens, so they did not bake anything, but they did have Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for dessert..
Quick, can you name the Indian tribe that celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims. They were called the Wampanoag Indians, who changed their name to the Cleveland Indians after they moved to Ohio.
And the Wampanoag Indians had plenty to celebrate as the Pilgrims gave them gifts of smallpox and diphtheria. In fact, some English purposely distributed diseased blankets to the unsuspecting Wampanoags, thus wiping out entire villages.
Talk about being a good dinner host!
Anyway, many years later, we still celebrate Thanksgiving and kill over 243 million turkeys a year, just so Uncle Billie can walk around saying “Pull my finger” . I realize I have used that joke twice, but I hate to waste a good joke and will let you know when I find one.
For some reason Minnesota leads the nation in turkey product by raising 47 million turkeys a year and many go onto to become governor of Minnesota, serve in Congress or the State Legislature. But if Minnesota raises that many turkeys, why is it called the Gopher State?
It is indeed fortunate that the state right next to Minnesota, Rhode Island, leads the nation in cranberry production and raises 435 pounds of cranberries a year. Actually I lied, Rhode Island is not next to Minnesota, it is really California. Okay, okay, it is Wisconsin,. Also famous for cutting the cheese and luring quarterbacks from the nursing home to play one more year.
Or is that Minnesota. Like there’s a big difference?
That is my report and please give me and A or I will tell the principle what I saw you and the gym coach doing in the locker room. You think he would at least take his socks off. Gross!!!