After the divorce of actor, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville, was finalized, Brandi released a statement saying that, “she looked forward to one day being able to get along with LeAnn and Eddie, for the sake of my children”
“LeAnn” is country singer, LeAnn Rimes, who famously cheated with Eddie Cibrian while he was still married to Brandi Glanville and she was still married to her husband, Dean Sheremet. In girl code this translates into: LeAnn stole Eddie.
Of course, rational adults will concede that both LeAnn and Eddie are guilty and that neither LeAnn nor any woman can officially steal another woman’s husband. But it sure feels that way when another woman walks off with your husband leaving you and your children behind.
Forgive and Forget? It’s Possible
Fortunately, most of us do not have to see our husband and his mistress on the front of magazine covers or headlining the nightly gossip television shows. But, that certainly doesn’t make it any easier to bear. Losing your husband to another woman is about as hurtful as it gets.
Intellectually, most of us will agree that forgiveness, especially for the sake of the children, is something you should do. Spending your entire life warring with your ex and his new wife not only robs you of a happy life, but can inflict horrible emotional pain and trauma on your children as well. However, actually being able to do it is an entirely different matter.
So, exactly how does one go about forgiving an ex and his new wife when what you would really rather do is carve your initials into their foreheads?
Seek Mental Health Counseling Right Away
Reaching outside your family and circle of close friends to find an objective and reasoned voice to help you navigate the choppy emotional waters of betrayal and forgiveness is crucial. While your family and friends can certainly offer strong emotional support, they are rarely able to be objective.
If in a moment of despair and emotional weakness you mention you would like to torch your ex and new wife’s house down, family and friends who feel offended on your behalf are likely to hand you the kerosene and the match. So, while having your own, official, “Waiting to Exhale” moment may sound deeply gratifying in your hour of pain, the reality is that jail is not and orange doesn’t look good on many people. Seek therapy instead.
Talking through your hurt and anger with a good mental health and grief counselor instead is the first healthy (and legal) step you should take on the road to forgiveness. And remember, forgiveness does not mean that you are necessarily forgetting or even remotely excusing. It is simply the act of letting go of the need to seek revenge and inflict reciprocal hurt on those who have wounded and hurt us.
While no one will say that forgiving is an easy thing to do, the reality is, for your own mental health and happiness and security of your children, it is a necessary. Whether you will be able to subsequently have a good relationship with your ex and his new wife is an entirely different matter all together. But, the act of forgiveness will at least lay the beginning foundation for good future relations with your ex and his new wife.
Save the Trash Talk for Your Girlfriends
Trash-talking your ex and his new wife may appeal to you as a new Olympic sport. It certainly helps to relieve pent up pressures and any residual hurt that may still be lingering. But, remember, if you do it in front of your children it will likely cause a great deal of anxiety and confusion. Not mention guilt and loyalty issues.
Young children are not able to separate their worth from their parent’s behavior. So, if you are continually trashing their father and new wife, they may feel guilty or that they have somehow caused the problems, particularly if they actually like the new wife and sincerely want to be with their father.
So in the interest of your children’s happiness, resist the urge to utter sarcastic comments or draw them into the dispute by trashing their father and new wife. Just make sure you have a girl’s night out often enough that you can vent your frustrations and irritations where it is safe and out of earshot of your children.
Resist the Scorned Woman Martyr Syndrome
There is no doubt that as a woman who has been left by her husband for another woman, you will be granted a very special kind of “scorned woman sympathy status” – especially from other women.
With that status also comes a crown of righteous indignation that no one will blame you for wearing high upon your head. However, there is an expiration date on such passive-aggressive punishment toward your ex and his new wife and you must be careful not to exceed it.
While there is no set deadline as to how long you can grieve and mourn the loss of your marriage – and yes, a righteous anger is a very real part of the process – there must be an endpoint to your suffering. Otherwise, you run the risk of looking like a desperate martyr who won’t move on.
Besides, there is nothing classier than a woman who has been kicked to the curb by her husband for another woman who refuses to feel sorry for herself and wallow in the pity. And of course, there’s always that girl’s night out……….remember?
Seek Out Things and People That Make You Happy
Sooner or later you have to make a decision to get back into life. Being able to get along with your ex and his new wife will depend on it. If you have things and people in your life that give you pleasure, it will certainly be easier to have a good, working relationship with them.
Go back to school, take up a new hobby, travel, try things you’ve always wanted to try but felt you couldn’t because of your marriage. Date, flirt, shop. Just make the extra effort to put positive things in your life.
If you fill your life with positive things there is less time to focus on all the wrong that was done to you and you’ve just upped the ante in being able to get along with your ex. At the end of the day it’s good for everybody, but especially for you.
Investing in Voo-Doo dolls might be fun too.