Heteronyms are words that have more than one meaning, and often more than one pronunciation, but are spelled exactly the freaking same way. Even the word heteronym means two completely different things. Who came up with this crap? They should have been called Lazy-o-nyms because the only reason that I can think of to make several meanings out of one word is to save yourself from having to think up another word for the other meanings. Oh my God, did that make any sense?
I can see someone looking out over a crowd of warriors after a victorious battle, pointing at one brave and valiant knight and proclaiming in a loud voice, “You are the wisest one among us, so we are going to call you our leader. Now go forth and lead us to victory!” and then everyone jumps up and down, cheers and beers all around. The word lead actually looks like it would be pronounced exactly the same way that it is spelled, which is “LEED”. But then what happened? How did the same word come to mean the past tense of doing your job as a leader and a huge mass of gray metal? No wonder our children have so much freaking trouble in school.
“Ok Bobby, the word lead means that everyone follows you when you pronounce it “LEED” and that you have done your job as a leader when you pronounce it “LED”, which is also a piece of metal.”
Yeah right! There’s an F waiting to happen. And speaking of F’s…
Punctuation What The F’s!
I’ve studied the proper placement of commas my whole life and I still don’t know where in the hell to put them in text. I have read entire books on the subject, poured over dozens of articles and have listen to English instructors and writing couches explain the rules in more ways than I care to even try to keep up with. Explain it all you want, it doesn’t’ matter because the more you explain it the more it sounds like no one actually knows where they go. Now, I’m not talking about the list rule, the parenthetical rule or the introductory rule. I got those and they make perfect sense. What I’m talking is the Santa Clause rule.
Let’s review shall we. Place a comma between two dependant Santa Clauses or between two independent Santa Clauses that can’t stand by themselves in a sentence. What? What the hell do standing Santa Clauses have to do with proper punctuation? You might as well have said “Place a comma between two dangling tree bats whenever they take a breath in the puffy forest, but not after the crank shaft eats a breath mint because the beebo makes a bumbling bang in the bubbly boo.” Ah, I understand now. You just slap one down anywhere you feel like slapping one down. That’s all you had to say folks. Put a comma wherever it makes you happy to put one, because English is all about happiness, fairy dust, galloping unicorns and confusion to the point of suicidal rage.
Just as a side note, semi-colons are said to be used much in the same way as commas are. It’s a comma ladies and gentlemen, with a dot above it. Ok, so let me get this straight: you slap a comma down pretty much wherever you feel like it and if you are in a particularly good mood you stick a little dot above it and make it a winky.
I want to learn another freaking language!