I have going to open my own political counseling service and educate candidates how to respond to the attacks on their reputations. Actually I used to be a PR Director and a corporate speechwriter. And I found out that there is one way to beat back a negative attach. You know how you protect your political reputation? Screw them if they can’t take a joke and give honest straightforward answers. The average voter will appreciate your candor .Here is a sampling of how to respond to political attacks.
Q. Many members of Congress have called you financially irresponsible.
A. Consider the source. A member of Congress calling someone financially irresponsible? That’s like a prostitute talking about virginity.
Q. You are a follower of the occult, you have practiced witchcraft in the past:
A: That makes me a perfect candidate for Congress. Heck we have tried everything to balance the budget, let’s try witchcraft, which actually might be more sane method than what Congress is doing now.
Q. You have been married three times. That is hardly an example to set for the youth of America.
A #1: Actually being married three times is a good thing. It shows that I do not stick to failed policies and know when it is time to move on. I think Congress needs someone that embraces change, and I have certainly shown that I embrace change.
A #2: Being divorced is my personal economic stimulus program. Sure I could keep the money myself, but money is like manure. It is only good if it is spread around. So I have paid lawyers and ex-wives thousands of dollars and I have certainly done my part is stimulating this economy.
Q. It is reported that you have used marijuana?
A: Reported? Hell yes I have used it, not for my personal enjoyment, but to demonstrate against the archaic drug policies of this nation. Do you know that the United States has only ten percent of the world’s population, but we have 25% of the world’s prison population. And that is mainly due to our tendancy to lock anyone up that uses drugs. Let’s forget about using drugs and think about using our heads. I will continue to smoke pot until Congress admits that we have lost the drug war and comes up with a same policy to really deal with drug use in America.
Q. You were spotted handing your underage nephew a beer the other day. Does that mean you support underage drinking?
A. Underage drinking, my ass. The kid is 18, is currently serving in Iraq, can vote, can be tried in court as an adult and you are saying he can’t have a beer. Why does the Land of The Free have the most restricted drinking laws in the world?
Q. We heard that you support gay marriage?
A. No – the answer is that I don’t give a damn if they get married or not. Why should anyone care? With ten percent unemployment, two wars in Iraq, 45 million people without health care , a third-world education system, and a degenerating infrastructure, I don’t give a damn about gay marriage. We have more important issues to deal with.