I have been chatting with some women lately and they seem to be having men problems. The common thread is that they have asked their boyfriend to move in with them and now they want him to move out. I know two facts for sure. One, these women had a nice house all to themselves and they could come and do as they pleased and then they must have suffered a concussion which caused severe brain damage or why else would they ask a man to move in with them?
And when a woman asks a man to move in with her, I think of two famous quotes – “A woman needs a fish like a two year old needs a quart of bourbon.” Whoops – wrong quote. It is “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.”
The other one is “It is all fun and games until someone loses a house.” Whoops, again, wrong quote.
The real quote is “Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally of dealing with men.” That was by Joseph Conrad who also wrote the Heart of Darkness, a novel about how people change when they move in with you. I tried that joke on one of the women seeking my advice and she didn’t think it was funny. As my daughter keeps reminding me, “Dad I will let you know when you are funny”.
My second thought was – “These women are brain damaged because they are asking me for relationship advice”. That is liking asking Custer how to fight Indians, Amelia Earhart how to read a map, the Captain of the Titanic how to avoid icebergs, the Captain of the Hindenburg how to land a blimp or Mike Tyson how to teach a sensitivity training course.
My only advice was that they should have brought a duplex and he could live on one side and you could live on the other.
But to be fair, I could also argue that the men were brain damaged to move in with the woman. So what we have are two brain damaged people who moved in together. And the odds of success are….?
The men were brain damaged because they had their own apartment and no one was going to walk in when it was the bottom of the ninth of the World Series and say “Honey we need to talk.”
In fact if you ever hear a man say ” Honey we need to talk”, immediately take away his whiskey.
These men were brain damaged because they had a WHOLE apartment to themselves, could wash the dishes , oh heck, throw away the dishes when they got dirty and buy a complete set at a garage sale for two bucks.
So anyway, the point is that these women thought I was a real adult and could give them sensitive points on how to get their boyfriend to move out.
I suggested that instead of talking it to death, they change the locks and pile all their boyfriend’s belonging in the front yard and turn on the sprinklers. Actually I thought turning on the sprinklers was a nice touch.
But the women really didn’t want my advice, they just wanted someone to talk to. Which is why I am going back to my old strategy which involves nodding my head and saying, “I understand”.