You don’t stop being a parent when you lose a child, no matter how young that child is. You will not just forget that loss like it never happened. Yet, it doesn’t have to be surrounded just by negative feelings. There are ways to celebrate the life of your child that helps ease your pain.
There is a lot of people who will not understand the feelings that a parent who lost a pregnancy goes through. That is the very first fact you learn. When you encounter those people who think they know better then you, just let them walk away. Don’t try to get them to love the child they never knew. Also, keep in mind that your partner may not want to remember in the same fashion you do. Your other children may not understand. Allow them to heal in their own way.
It kind of depends on how much you can deal with and what you know will help you heal. Some of us want to do something and be hands on, while others want the pain to fade. You can hold a memorial service or funeral which may help you grieve and set you up to start healing. If possible, try to remember the positive things you felt during the time you had your pregnancy and child.
There are simple, quiet ways to remember the good feelings that surrounded the child you loved. Save those ultrasound photos. Even the earliest pictures will mean a lot later on. If your child was stillborn or lost after birth, do not be afraid to hold it. Have pictures taken so that when your hurt has eased you can have them to hold. If your family members want to be a part of it, then allow them that chance. They too have suffered a loss.
Those pictures can be put in a book or turned into a slide show, though keep in mind not everyone will want to watch it. You can put a picture into a small frame next to a candle to light on special days. This will give you a tool to remember that doesn’t force everyone to. A memory book can be created that allows you to deal with it only when you are ready. When the loss is still too new, you may want to ask someone close to put it together for you.
There are places to buy simple things to help you remember your baby. One of the things that a lot of parents miss is the holding of a baby. A site called www.bearsofcomfort.org.uk offers personalized teddy bears that helps fill that void a bit. Other places can be found offering jewelry that has baby’s name, date or other information. This can help you carry that child with you. So parents feel guilt because they move on from their loss. Having something made that will allow you to honor your child may offer you the comfort of know you have not forgotten.
Whatever method you use, if you focus more on the joy of the child’s existence then you will better over come the pain of loss. Simple things like a poem can be framed, a candle lit, and a tree planted in the yard to help you hold on while you let go. Know yourself to know how best to treasure the life cut too short.