Any idiot can sew on a button. Except this idiot.
I was at the Dollar Store the other day and saw a sewing kit for – yep, you guessed right – for a dollar. And I thought I should buy that cool little travel sewing kit as I will need it. But I didn’t. I did buy five pair of reading glasses, as I have the firm conviction that the only reason the dollar store exists is to supply me with reading glasses.
I am a champion at losing things. If it is not attached to my body, I will lose it. Pens, sunglasses, reading glasses, I can lose them faster than Conan O’Brien lasted at NBC. So I buy sun glasses, pens, reading glasses at the dollar store. I still lose these items quicker than it takes to make cheap bourbon, aka moonshine, but I don’t feel so bad about losing them!
But I digress ( there’s a surprise).
But any idiot can show on a button. Except me.
So I don’t buy the sewing kit at the dollar store. The next day, I ironed a polo short. I would have ironed a polo pony, but it is tough to get them to lie down and stay still. So I ironed a polo shirt. And this is Murphy’s law at work. Did the button come off BEFORE I ironed the shirt? Heck NO. It came off after I ironed the shirt and put it on and tried to button it up, only the button was no longer on the shirt, but in my hand.
Anyway some loose thread was hanging down where the button came off, so I figured I could stick the loose thread back through the button, tie a knot and I would not have to sew the button back on. After half an hour , I realized that I had the manual dexterity of a drunk wearing six pairs of gloves and there was no WAY I could push the loose thread back through the button, so I gave up and very carefully got a plate out of my cupboard, placed the plate on my kitchen counter, and put the button on the plate. AHA!! Because of this careful planning I could find the button tomorrow when I bought a sewing kit.
But I had to iron another shirt, and I thought about hiring a housekeeper, except the best housekeepers I know are my ex-wives, as they kept eight houses between them, so that depressed me and I decided I must manage my own sewing. But I had no sewing kit.
So, the next day, back to the dollar store and I realized that this was the third day in a row, I had visited the dollar store and that did not speak highly of my life-style and perhaps I should start getting out more. Of course when I went into the dollar store, there was no chance in hell that I would remember what aisle the sewing kit was on. So after wandering up and down aisles looking for the sewing kit, I gave up and approached a teenage clerk who was talking on her cell phone and stood by her until she noticed me.
She gave me an annoyed look, placed her hand over the cell phone and I quickly asked, because GOD FORBID, I didn’t want to ruin her cell phone conversation, I asked where a sewing kit was.
So I found the sewing kit, went home, tried to open that stupid little plastic box it came in, but the box would not open, so I had to take the tape off the sides and the box opened and I took out a needle and some black thread, but I couldn’t unspin the black thread off the spool, so I thought if I got my reading glasses, I could find a little piece of black thread sticking up and unspin it off the spool, but I couldn’t find ANY of the five reading glasses I had bought, so I went to my car and found a pair of reading glasses, but still could not unspin the stupid black thread , so I went into the kitchen where there was better light and I still couldn’t unspin the STUPID BLACK THREAD, so I picked out some blue thread instead, as they kind of looked alike, and I found a little piece of blue thread sticking up and unspun that and used the needle threader, which is probably the best piece of sewing equipment ever invented, to thread the needle.
By this time I was pretty worn out and realized I was suppose to meet a friend about half an hour ago and she was probably calling, but my phone battery had died, but I better sew the button on quickly and get across town to meet her, so I sewed the button only using two of the little holes in the button and the button stayed on, so who needs to use all four little holes in the button?
So that was that, except I couldn’t remember where I left the pack of needles that was in the sewing kit, but I found them late that night when I sat on them on the couch.
Like I said, any idiot can sew.