August 2, 2008 – If you’ve ever watched NBC’s “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”, you’ve probably seen a sketch entitled “If They Mated”, where parts of the photographs of two people, usually celebrities who are dating one another at the time, are formed into the photograph of what one of their children would look like, if they mated. The joke is that the Frankensteining together of the parts of the pics of two beautiful celebrities, usually produces a less than picturesque preview of their offspring, i.e., a kid that’s grotesque to the mostest. For those of you still reading this, you’re probably asking yourself, “What does this have to do with Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers, or football, for that matter, ya blowhard?” (That’s Mr. Blowhard to you, by the way.) (Note to self: in the future take the time to lookup synonyms instead of settling for using terms like “blowhard” that are outdated and/or sound like they’d be more suited for use in articles relating to the adult film industry.) Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve come up with a little knockoff of “If They Mated” called If They Traded, only instead of giving you a glimpse into the fate that awaits celebrity parents, ITT (short for If They Traded and ITT Technical Institute, which one it represents in this sentence is a choice I leave to you) does the same with Brett Favre and his suitors. Now, I consider this to be a public service, because maybe just maybe with Favre’s fate revealed, ESPN will consider reporting some non-Favre related news, such as the Major League Baseball pennant races or, you know, the upcoming Olympic games in Beijing. Little stories, I know, but certainly worth a segment or two, don’t you think? Wait, what am I saying? That’s crazy talk. ’08 is the Year of the Favre, twenty Favre seven three sixty-six (leap year!) So, without any further adieu, the game for Favres and about Favres, If They Traded! Oh, by the way, just FYI, If They Traded is not based on any solid intel or years of experience covering, working in, or playing in the NFL, but just my own gut instinct (keep in mind, though, that this is the same gut that predicted critical and commercial success for the “Wild Wild West” and “Godzilla” remakes).
1. Broadway Brett
Chad Pennington should be praying this happens, because in order for this deal to go down, he’ll have to exit stage left. And just what would Chad do with his new found freedom? Why sign with the Vikings, Bears, or Ravens, and give anyone of them the solid quarterback play that could lead them back to the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Favre-led Jets might contend, but will have no chance to win a stacked AFC. They won’t even be able to win the division unless Tom Brady decides to walk away at the top of his game, Jim Brown style.
2. The Dread Pirate Favre
Jeff Garcia is no Brett Favre, but he does know a lot more of Jon Gruden’s version of the West Coast Offense than Brett does, and that knowledge would enable Jeff to out swashbuckle the ultimate swashbuckler out of the starting job. Which would never sit well with Number Four, who would rather be a couch potato than a benchwarmer.
3. Iron Man and the Tin Man
Favre and Adrian Petersen would be a lethal combination-until AP got hurt, because, well, AP always gets hurt. Sure the offensive line is stout, and Chester Taylor capable, but Kobe can only get so far without Shaq. But, hey, at least, Adrian probably won’t rap about it. However, Ted Thompson, on the other hand, maybe just maybe will do a little ditty about Brett eating his shorts.
4. Bear Cupboard
Chicago has no running game and Devin Hester hasn’t proven to be much of an answer at receiver. Oh, and this defense doesn’t even hold a candle to the one that lost the Super Bowl to Indy a couple of years ago. So, if Favre ends up in the Windy City, his wife may be forced to quote some Adrian Balboa from “Rocky IV” to him, “You can’t win!”
5. Groundhog Day
Favre’s stint in Baltimore would go a lot like Steve McNair’s first year there, except he’d have an older defense, but a stronger running game, so their playoff loss would be a higher scoring affair.
6. The Lion in Winter
Brett going to the Detroit Lions could actually be pretty sweet. They were on the cusp last season, and if there’s one thing you know the Lions have in spades, if you’ve caught the last few drafts, that is, it’s wide receivers. Unfortunately, their running game and defense are suspect at best. So, Brett and his pride would probably be looking at a divisional round playoff exit at best.
7. Brett Ventura: When Tuna Calls
Brett can out diva Jason Taylor any day of the week, and if he thinks Ted Thompson gives him a hard time, wait until he gets a load of Parcells. That being said, they might have a decent running game with Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown, and a game breaking receiver in Ted Ginn, Jr., but, unfortunately, that’s about all Favre would have to work with, and even in the AFC Least, that just ain’t gonna cut it.
8. This is Almost Crazy Enough to Work
Disgruntled veterans and the Raiders go together like peanut butter and jelly. Sure, Javon Walker and Favre didn’t part on the best of terms, but if they can patch things (and Javon’s body [Vegas incident] and psyche [Denver drive-by]) up, maybe they can recapture their old Green Bay magic. If they do, and McFadden and Fargas prove to be a potent running combo, and the defense can manage to be average, I can see this being a playoff team, or, at the very least, the New Greatest Show on Turf (in a Bearded Lady sort of way, at any rate). Plus, Al Davis might be able to go out as eccentric instead of just plain old crazy, and Warren Sapp might be enticed into making a comeback of his own for a chance to play with instead of against his longtime adversary, Favre.
9. The Circle of Life
Brett going back to the Atlanta Falcons, the team that originally drafted him, would be a nice story. Well, all the way up until they started playing games and Favre began to envy Michael Vick’s situation compared to his own.
10. Daniel Snyder Takes Out a Second Mortgage on His Soul
This may in fact be the perfect fit. The Redskins have a Taylor (Jason) made defense, a Portis/Betts backfield, and a healthy bit of momentum from last season’s late run to make the playoffs, and I haven’t even mentioned that they have a bonafide deep threat at receiver in the form of Santana Moss, and a cool under pressure tight end, aptly named, Chris COOLey. Oh, and new coach Zorn runs the West Coast Offense he brought over from working under Favre’s old coach Mike Holmgren in Seattle, an offense Favre knows like the back of his hand and Jason Campbell needs time to learn. Can you say championship? Because I believe the Washington Redskins would be at the end of the season, if they traded…