Prepare yourselves for the most chauvinistic NFL Predictions that you’ll ever read. Last week after another good week of predictions, Huffman pointed out on my Facebook page how well I was doing and I joked that I this week’s picks would be based on which quarterback had the hotter wife/girlfriend. Ultimately I couldn’t think of a better way to make this week’s predictions so I decided to do that after all.
Here are the rules. I will Google the quarterback and try to find a picture of his wife or girlfriend. When I find a reliable source (who am I kidding, I’m going to use an unreliable source if I find one) confirming it is their wife/girlfriend I will then decide which one is hotter and that wife will win for their husband my prediction.
What if I can’t find a picture of the quarterback’s wife/girlfriend? If that happens what I’ll do is Google “so and so wife girlfriend” and the first picture that appears in Google Images will be used even if it is not their wife or girlfriend (I’m hoping this happens a lot because it could be fun).
Sarah Hasselbeck (Seahawks) vs. Kristin Cavallari (Bears)
Jay Cutler is rumored to be dating Kristin Cavallari. I don’t really know who she is but I’m pretty sure she is one of those untalented reality stars (unlike my beloved Kardashians). She’s definitely a cute girl though even if she is a little too bland blonde for my taste. Sarah Hasselbeck is not bad but not good enough. If Matt was the Hasselbeck married to Elisabeth then I’d take her but Cutler wins this one.
Prediction: Chicago Bears
“Chad Henne’s Girlfriend” (Dolphins) vs. Hilary Scott? Erin Andrews? (Packers)
Chad Henne seems to be married (or maybe just engaged) to his high school sweetheart Brittany Hartman (aww). I could not find a confirmed picture of Brittany though so I had to go with the first picture of “Chad Henne’s Wife” on Google Images, which lead to a picture on DrunkAthletes.com. Very nice. There are some rumors that Aaron Rodgers has recently been dating Erin Andrews, which would beat anybody on this list in my opinion but the last confirmed girlfriend I could come up with is Lady Antebellum lead singer Hilary Scott. That is still better than most of the guys in these predictions. Aaron Rodgers is doing alright.
Prediction: Green Bay Packers
Sidenote: I hate the idea of a possible couple being named Erin and Aaron. As someone who has a first name (Lee) that can also be a girl’s name (Leigh) I would find it really annoying to have a constant reminder that my first name is indeed a girl’s name. I’m pretty sure this is why Taylor Swift broke up with Taylor Lautner. I’m sure she’ll write a song about it.
Tiffany Rivers (Chargers) vs. Kelsey Kurtz (Rams)
Philip Rivers is my least favorite player in the NFL so I was pleased to see he’s not dating some supermodel (I’m sure she’s a lovely girl though Philip, please don’t throw a fit in the middle of a game again). Not many pictures of Sam Bradford’s alleged girlfriend Kelsey Kurtz but a good enough picture to determine a winner.
Prediction: St. Louis Rams
Sidenote: When you search for “Sam Bradford’s girlfriend” two of the first four pictures are pictures of Tim Tebow with chicks and a third is actually Colt McCoy.
“Joe Flacco’s Girlfriend” (Ravens) vs. Gisele Bundchen (Patriots)
I was hoping that Joe Flacco would secretly have a hot girlfriend because I find Gisele to be overrated but unfortunately it was not to be. Flacco is apparently also dating someone he met in school, Dana Grady. I could not find a picture of her so I went to Google Images and the first picture (of a woman) seems to be J-Wow (at least that’s what the title of the pic says).
Prediction: New England Patriots
Sidenote: It’s too bad the picture of J-Wow popped up because one picture later would have been this picture.
“Shaun Hill’s Girlfriend” (Lions) vs. Abby McGrew (Giants)
I deciphered that Shaun Hill is dating a girl named Ashton but could not find a picture. To Google! The first picture that Google Images spits out when we search for “Shaun Hill’s Girlfriend” is a picture of a drunk Ben Roethlisberger with a girl. Wasn’t expecting that. Although, I guess it could be Shaun Hill’s girlfriend. Roethlisberger hasn’t shown great judgment in his flirting in the past. I think we’ll go with Eli Manning’s lovely wife Abby McGrew.
Prediction: New York Giants
Sarah Marshall (Falcons) vs. Whitney Huddleston (Eagles)
Matt Ryan is (or was) dating Boston College basketball player Sarah Marshall. Not bad and I like athletic. I couldn’t find a picture of Kevin Kolb’s wife, Whitney Huddleston, so I went with the first picture on Google Images. The first chick is not bad looking and dressed like a pirate! She wins! Kolb may have just won for a woman that is not his wife.
Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles
Sidenote: Enter Forgetting Sarah Marshall joke here.
Brittany Brees (Saints) vs. “Josh Freeman’s Girlfriend” (Buccaneers)
No luck on Josh Freeman’s girlfriend. Google Images takes us to a girl in a bikini but she’s just aight. Brittany Brees is cute. I’ll take her.
Prediction: New Orleans Saints
Lauren Cassel (Chiefs) vs. Laurie Schaub (Texans)
Wow. Matt and Lauren vs. Matt and Laurie, what are the odds? Let’s see, Lauren Cassel = volleyball player. Laurie Schaub = cheerleader. Laurie wins.
Prediction: Houston Texans
Sidenote: Calm down volleyball players, I’m kidding. I was just being a pig-headed guy. Truth is I like volleyball players better because they are athletic. Now I’ve probably pissed off the cheerleaders for saying they aren’t athletic. I’m not getting either one now am I? Maybe if I changed my name to Matt I could settle down with a nice girl named Laura.
Mercedes Lindsay (Raiders) vs. Elizabeth Smith (49ers)
Jason Campbell’s lady seems to have been in some kind of pageant but all I can read on her sash is “Miss Dist…”. The only thing I can think of for some reason is Miss Distilled White Vinegar. I did go grocery shopping today so vinegar has been on my mind but I prefer Cider Vinegar. Win goes to Alex Smith!
Prediction: San Francisco 49ers
Sidenote: If you’re ever cooking and a recipe requires a vinegar that you don’t have then here is a guide to substitutions for different types of vinegar. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Candice Crawford (Cowboys) vs. Deanna Favre (Packers)
It seems Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford but most of the reports I’ve found are from May. He could have easily switched girlfriends three times since then. Candice is cute though and for all I know she’s not as annoying as Jessica “I’m trying way too hard to prove I’m happy without Tony Romo” Simpson or Carrie “I settled way too soon and got married to prove that I’m happy without Tony Romo” Underwood. Deanna Favre is not bad on the eyes either but I’m going to go with the younger model. What can I say? I’m a pig.
Prediction: Dallas Cowboys
Sidenote: But I’m totally happy without Tony Romo, really I am.
Ashley Manning (Colts) vs. Roxie McNabb (Eagles)
Here’s a thought. Maybe the reason that Peyton Manning and Donovan McNabb had long successful careers is because they settled down with two “regular” ladies (regular is not meant as an insult in any way) instead of chasing tail? Two of my favorite guys in the league so I have nothing bad to say about either wife but I have to pick one so I’ll go with Ashley.
Prediction: Indianapolis Colts
Sidenote: Next week I make predictions based on quarterbacks’ moms. Donovan will own that one.
Candice Johnson (Titans) vs. Mary Garrard (Jaguars)
Neither one of these guys is doing poorly off the field but I think I will go with the lovely Mrs. Garrard on this one.
Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns
It’s time for my weekly biased Steelers picks in which I abandon my strategy for the week and pick the Steelers no matter what. It’s quite a relief too. I’m scared to think about what pictures will appear when I search for “Ben Roethlisberger’s girlfriend”.
Prediction: Pittsburgh Steelers
Sidenote: Colt McCoy does have quite the attractive wife though.
