Okay all of you parents who remember BC raise your hands. BC, of course, stands for Before Children. You know when you could actually go to a restaurant that didn’t have happy meals.
And what is so happy about a happy meal. Five minutes of silence before your kid starts complaining how she didn’t get the toy she wanted and you want to lean over and say – “Oh SHUT-UP. You are my little darling, but I used to have a life, where happy ,meant happy hour, not some greased stained meal marketed by corporate America to ensure that you are Way Over Weight , by the age of ten. I used to have a life. I went to real restaurants where they served real drinks like martinis and I wasn’t reduced to deciding between Diet Coke or some Fruit Punch guaranteed to rot your teeth by noon, or Powerade, like I am an athlete and have time to jog, OH NO, I only have time to cater to your needs and watch my thighs expand everyday until they look like redwood tree trunks and I used to have time to wash my hair, but now I wear a hat everywhere, because my hair is greasier than the floor at Quick Lube and I was going to take a FEW PRECIOUS SECONDS for myself, wash my hair, even soak in the bathtub, but NOOOOO! – You had to be scared of the monsters under the bed, but there are no monsters under the bed, YOU are the only MONSTER in my life, depriving me of ANY free time, where I might actually READ an adult book, instead of Good Night Moon, and sometimes I sit and wonder what did I do with ALL my free time before you were born and half our income goes to buying you diapers, because, if we are VERY lucky, you might be able to figure out what a toilet is for , before you are three. And I don’t mind spending every Saturday at Chucky Cheese, because one of your friends is having a birthday party. Here is a freaking idea – no kid can celebrate a birthday unless they are 22, so I don’t have to buy them a gift, which they will look at, ignore and stick in a closet. But I am so happy that I can drive you places like Chucky Cheese, and spend hours packing your baby bag and buckling you into the car seat, and I will try to forget that I once drove a clean BMW, but now I drive a mini-van …..”
Ah yes, sometimes remembering life BC, Before Children, can drive us all insane.