I think that the drinking age should be lowered to 13. I was going to suggest it be lowered to five, as that is the time you start school and deal with teachers and kids who still aren’t potty trained and kids who cough on each other and show each other their boogers. So, if you are five, a good stiff drink every morning might help you deal with the trauma of kindergarten.
But I know that if I suggested we lower the drinking age to five, there would be a lot of do-gooders down my throat who would whine about five year olds drinking. Come on – what is the worse that could happen, the kid crashes his tricycle?
And being able to drink at five would make dealing with adults a lot more interesting and bearable.
But I really think the drinking age should be lowered to 13. First it would piss a lot of people off, which would greatly amuse me. And think of how much time Fox News can waste “examining the proposal to lower the drinking age to 13.”
Actually 1f 13 year olds could drink, it might actually improve the IQ of Fox News watchers. A drunk 13 year old might actually be a step up in viewership for FOX.
But the burning question is why let 13 year olds drink? Well actually I am heavily into liquor stocks and thought that expanding the drinking age to 13 would make my Brown Forman stock go through the roof. I can only drink so much Jack Daniel’s myself and if I had a few 13 year olds helping me , we could increase the sales and , of course, the value of my stock.
But that is not the true reason. In fact, I think I need to refine my proposal and only let 13 year old boys drink. Because at about 13, you start getting interested in girls which is really a cruel joke, as no 13 year old girl is interested in you. They are all about a foot higher than you, are about at least 13 years more mature and don’t see a midget, with a high squeaky voice, birth-control glasses and hair buzzed by his father as a potential mate, yet alone a potential date.
So at 13, you are pretty much sitting at home playing Dungeon and Dragons with your friends, while girls your age are interested in someone who can at least drive. Heck you don’t even get a learner’s permit for three years and your mom chauffeurs you everywhere in a minivan. How bad can it get?
So you can see why I am a strong advocate of letting 13 year old boys drink. Growing up and facing adolescence is hard enough – at least let the poor kids have a drink. Or two.
By the way, the above was satire. Just so I don’t have MADD knocking on the door telling me I won the Insensitivity Award, yet again, this year.