Have you ever met a person who was pretending to be something they were never meant to be, and failed miserably? Not just with being happy to live such a shadow life, but also convincing everyone else around them that this is really who they are?
If you have, you have met a person who has sabotaged every aspect of success and happiness! Now get away from the mirror and quit looking at yourself already, because we all have been guilty of this at one point of our life or another.
Guess what – it wasn’t even your fault that you turned into this phony person, because you were taught from day one to play a role, to fill expectations from others. If you wanted attention, you had to fill certain expectations. If you wanted someone to be proud of you, you had to be able to do certain things well. That is called the “human condition”. We are conditioned to behave as expected.
Now such a path can go one way or the other, but it seldom fits well in the middle. You can’t be luke warm on this one and succeed! It won’t work! Trust me I know!
It will work wonderfully, if the expectations attached to what you want really suit your spirit and are part of who you are deep inside. If however they are contrary to your real personality, all you will do is become bitter and miserable over time. It doesn’t do you or anyone else any good.
So what if you have already found yourself down the wrong path, and you are stuck so far behind that you feel there is no way out anymore? What if it all seems as if it is hopeless. and in some small way you get used to feeling helpless and even hopeless?
The first thing you need to realize is that NOTHING is ever hopeless. It is the way of the world and of those who want to keep you stuck in your negative pattern to try to reinforce this victim mentality. Self -defeating thoughts are a better prison then any high security facility in the world.
The second thing you need to realize is that you are WORTH being happy, successful and loved, and that you have the RIGHT to pursue happiness, success, and love. EVERY HUMAN BEING has that right; it is built in, we are born with it, and NOBODY can take this away from you, but yourself.
The third thing you need to do is look around you and ask yourself why you are still stuck in the situation that is not acceptable to your being. Take a very close and most importantly HONEST look at it. Sometimes we think that “The devil we know is better then the devil we don’t”, which is not necessarily true.
Are you stuck because of lack of finances? Are you stuck because you are still dreaming of something which by now you know 150% will never happen? Are you stuck because you feel guilty moving on? Are you stuck because you are afraid to hurt someone else by taking back your life and making it into something you can be proud of?
All those are legitimate questions and most of the time your answer will fall into one of those answers. Of course the reasons that follow could be your answer as well and in that case you have some major work ahead of you.
You are too lazy to actually step out of your comfort zone and fight for what you want.
You are so used to feeling miserable that you don’t even believe you can or should feel any other way.
You are happy being miserable. It gives you an excuse not to take up your own rights and carry them for a while. Co-dependency is strangely comfortable to some at times.
You are scared to move forward because you fear that something horrible is going to happen to you in repercussion. Yes, abuse and fear of abuse can hold many back and it is an awful thing to fear. Some people are in “relationships,” and I use this word extremely lightly, with people who don’t want them, but don’t want them to be with someone else either. Those types of people are toxic, plain and simple. You don’t walk, you run if you can, or crawl if that is all you can manage, but move!
So if you find yourself in situations, relationships, business affairs you know deep down inside of you are not who you are, and you can’t even look yourself in the face anymore, it is a good indication that you need to change things.
Change does not happen overnight! That is another fact you need to realize. I am not telling you to just pack up and go. I am not telling you to just quit this job right now. I am not telling you to suddenly tell all your friends to go fly a kite. What I am telling you is to see which part of your situation is truly a fake front and you can’t stand.
Sit down quietly and look at where you are and where you really want to be in your life. That doesn’t have to be a physical location, but a place within yourself. If you did not have anything or anyone holding you down right this minute, where would you personally want to be with your life?
If you are in love with an addict of any kind, be that alcohol, drugs, pornography, etc. etc. and you are only there to make their life easier, is that really what you want for yourself?
Can you still look at that person and when asking yourself: “Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person, taking care of them, being by their side and being available when they realize I am still alive?” Can you still answer that question with a solid “Yes”, than remain. Because for some personal reason you need this challenge in your life and I will be the last person to tell you what is good for you and what is not. But if you do remain you have forfeited ANY RIGHTS to complain about those things ever again. You are staying because you made that choice to be the last thought in this person’s life. Trust me if they cared about you, they would not do this to you. Addictions do not just affect the person, but everyone around them as well. Most of the time it is the innocent “victims” who end up paying the biggest price until the addict finally hits ground zero.
If however you are even remotely have doubts, if the answer is “I am not sure anymore”, or a “NO!”, then you know it is time to move on. Your spirit told you that you can’t keep this up and that you need something better in your life. Oh and I am not talking about another person, but YOURSELF!
You heard me correctly! Before you can actually move on you need to have a new LOVE RELATIONSHIP first. That one ironically has to be with you first. So I guess in a way you are leaving that person for someone really awesome. YOURSELF!
This means that now it is time to put a plan into action.
#1 Heal yourself, heal your wounds!
Find out who you really are inside. Discover your own interests again. Take small baby steps to learn to say “NO” again, because trust me it is not easy in the beginning. Be honest enough with yourself to know that you are partially responsible for all those wounds you have. You could have said “NO” all along, but for some reason you decided to accept your fate as a given. This means you need to figure out why you thought that being treated as if you didn’t matter at all was acceptable to you in the first place! Once you can answer that question, your healing process can begin. Take all the negative and self-defeating little thoughts and ask yourself. If this was happening to my son or daughter, what would I tell him/her? If you are not old enough for that, what if is was your sister/brother or best friend. The point is we are always better at giving advice to others rather then take it ourselves.
Take your own advice and follow through!
#2 Where do I want to go and what do I want for myself in life?
That is probably one of the hardest question you will ever ask yourself at that point. The typical first reactive answer is: “I don’t know!” Don’t despair so, because you are trained into thinking to please everyone but yourself first. Give yourself some time and ask yourself daily when you are alone and relaxed. Make it a ritual and soon you will see small thoughts forming, little patterns which come creeping out of the dark. They come slowly to see if you reject them again, because they been there before, you just haven’t noticed them.
Once you are not condemning yourself any further for having those thoughts, they will slowly start fleshing out. They grow in strength and will start taking more definite shape. Remember that which you feed your energy into, grows stronger. So feed your energy into your own wishes for yourself and future, rather then what others want you to be. Learn to be courageous again. If you have a safe place you can write your thoughts down, put them to paper. Hold them dear, they are for now your biggest treasure. Don’t engage in conversations with anyone about them, which you know will make fun of you or try to discourage you. The other person you know is no longer good for you will make you question your own wisdom if you share. So just hug your thoughts to yourself and let them grow slowly and get stronger. If anyone has a right to question them, it is YOU. So yes, feel free to question yourself strongly on them from time to time. Are you behaving this way out of pettiness or are you justified?
Keep asking yourself the same question daily: “Am I really happy in this situation? Do I really still want to spend the rest of my life with this person?” Remember that sometimes those who are on the other side can feel the changes in you. They might even try to “change” just enough to keep you trapped within yourself. Don’t fall for it, it never lasts!
#3 Start researching your options realistically!
One of the biggest mistakes you can make at this point is become too dreamy. Don’t expect everything to suddenly fall into place for you. The Universe will test you over and over again to make sure you really are ready for this move. Start by doing realistic little steps. If you want to move away from where you are at, you need to start making financial calculations. Can you afford to live by yourself? If yes in what comfort? Where do you personally feel you will be happy? Can you make ends meet once you are there? Do you have any support system in place you are going to move?
You will be alone for a while, some people jump right into a new relationship so they don’t need to be lonely. DON’T. Rebounds never work out in the long run. Trust me I learned that first hand! Don’t make some lame excuse either for feeling alone and lonely. So if you move make sure there are enough things around you which will give you something YOU ENJOY to do. Pick up a new hobby or start extending an old one. The point is that you start making yourself happy and that is before you go anywhere at all.
If you realize you need to stay put for the time being, make sure you set ground rules with yourself especially. What are you willing to do anymore? What will you no longer accept in treatment? I tell you right now you will break those rules several times before you finally stick to them. Habits are hard to break, remember that. But you are the only one working on this project, so you have to do all the work here.
#4 Start setting YOUR LIFE in motion!
Regardless if you have to remain where you are, or if you can move on to some other residence, there is no time like now to set your new life in motion. That doesn’t include another “love partner” for now. What it should include is finding you again and being true to yourself finally. You have a right to your life, start learning to live it. Do things you enjoy, practice being yourself, don’t say what you don’t mean and most of all do not allow anyone else to make you feel guilty about being happy ever again.
Remember that is a learning experience. You will do some things that you don’t really enjoy at first, don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t do them again! There will be some things you will be too scared to do at first, don’t give up. Give yourself more time and do try again later! Find some good and loyal friends who can be there with you, but most importantly be your best friend first. Listen to your instincts, listen to your needs and don’t settle for less again.
Don’t feel guilty for what didn’t work out in the past. You needed the experience for whatever reason, now you have it, you can move forward. You are stronger for it, and no need to repeat the same mistakes again.
Doesn’t that feel great?
So what is your plan going to be? Don’t let me keep you…you are busy setting up for your LIFE!
