If it’s all the same to my loyal readers, let’s forget about my dismal performance last week and move right into the action…
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills Predictions
Buffalo, as terrible as they are, have been fired up by a surprising near-win against New England. The Jets will continue to play hang-on-by-a-thread football against every opponent, but this time the thread will break.
BUF 24, NYJ 23
Denver Broncos at Tennessee Titans Predictions
The titans will run all over the soft Broncos at home. The Broncos will do literally nothing about it. People will stop talking about the Broncos in any context other than that they suck.
TEN 31, DEN 0
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns Predictions
T.O. and Ochocinco will incur a “celebration” penalty when they start performing explicit acts of lovemaking at the 50-yard-line. Fortunately for them, they can absorb about 300 penalty yards with no ill effects because the Browns are awful.
CIN 34, CLE 10
Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints Predictions
The Panthers are still in football?
NO 42, CAR 13
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers Predictions
If the Ravens want to prove that they’re for real early in the year, winning a defensive battle against Pittsburgh would be the way to do it.
BAL 13, PIT 7
San Fransisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons Predictions
The 49ers will not come back from whatever it is that’s happening to them. They will have no wins this year.
ATL 26,423, SF 0
Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams Predictions
The Hawks may be impressing people now, but they’ll find a way to Cobain it against the Rams and remind everyone that they are, in fact, who we thought they were.
STL 14, SEA 9
Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers Predictions
It will happen eventually, but tot this week, Lions fans. Sorry.
GB 47, DET 3
Houston Texans at Oakland Raiders Predictions
The Raiders are awesome. They have everybody right where they want them with this farce they’ve been putting on in the beginning of the season. Time to unleash Phase 2 against the dejected Texans.
OAK 1,000,000, HOU 6
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars Predictions
IND 403, JAX 3
Washington Redskins at Philidelphia Eagles Predictions
Everybody has this one marked on their calendars. Everybody who thinks Donovan McNabb is still a relevant quarterback, I mean. The Eagles made the right decision. On the other hand, they’re a terrible team anyway. This hyped-up showdown will play out like on-field Ambien.
WAS 10, PHI 3
Arizona Cardinals at San Diego Chargers Predictions
San Diego will bounce back from last weeks total bummer. The new-era Cardinals will continue to be, like, bad at playing football.
SD 32, ARI 10
Chicago Bears at New York Giants Predictions
I don’t really like the bears on a personal level, which is the only reason I’m scoring this one:
NYG 50, CHI 0
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins Predictions
The Patriots are going to have a rough year, and will never get comfortable enough to go on cruise control like they’re used to. This on-field drama is going to prove, once and for all, what would have happened in the American revolution if the British had employed angry Dolphins instead of human soldiers.
MIA 34, NE 30
There you have it… pretty sure I’m going to be above .750 this week.