I bought a stun gun today. The guy at the store promised me this was the safest way to defend against an attacker. There were several models to choose from, and we went over the specifications for each one, so that I would have a better understanding of how I was supposed to keep random stalkers away from me in shopping malls. You know the types, tweens, mothers pushing strollers, those scarey looking kids with the plastic protectors in their pockets. No more would I fear these people when I went to go sniff womens perfume at the mall.
This salesman was very smart when it came to high voltage, body contorting devices. He had one of those hairdo’s that those guys wear when you know they have tons of guns. I think they call it a mallet. The camoflage jacket was a sure sign that he could help keep me safe. After going over several of the high-end models, I decided on the Make-that-guy-pee2000. He siad it was the best of the best, and there was no way that anyone would want to mess with me again when they saw this thing.
The good news is, I got it on sale for $499.99. With a mail-in rebate of .20 and a stick of gum free of charge…well, he charged me to throw the wrapper away, but a man has to eat right? Anyway, leaving his Pagoda of Pain, I felt like a new man. “Yeah, let them tweens come at me with their Twilight nonsense now! I’ll show them who should be scared!”. I almost felt like Clint Earlwood in the Good, The Sad, and The Disappointed. I pulled out my stun gun, stared off into the distance blankly, and said, “Do you feel ok punk?”
Oh man, I’m a tough guy now. Haha. I headed on over to Maybe’s, because I heard they had a new scent out by Calvin N’Hobbes. As I walked through the entryway, I spotted her. It was a mother with a stroller! Man I was nervous, my palms were sweaty, my pit stains had pit stains. “It’s ok man, you have protection this time!”. Remembering that I was well armed, I proceeded ahead with caution. She walked alongside the glass counter, pretending to be shopping for jewelry. C’mon, everyone knows women don’t shop for jewelry. Pfft.
“Easy. Just take it easy.”, I told myself as I drew nearer. I had this under control. Out of nowhere, she sneezed! In a fit of panic, I wet myself, which was usually how I geared up for a brawl. After I wet myself, I am almost an unstoppable force. It was go time. I pulled up the stun gun so fast, hah, man I had to be the fastet draw in the Mall. Unfortunately, the jerking movement of pulling out the stun gun caused me to slip just enough to throw me off balance. Oh this wasn’t good. I tensed up as I tried to brace myself. And that was the last thing I remembered.
As it was told back to me by the guy in the white suit a few minutes ago, he said when I tensed up, I accidentally squeezed the trigger, causing the hooks to fire. The hooks, happened to be aimed directly at my crotch, which was already soaked from wetting myself. The instant collision of 100,000 volts hitting the drenched pants sent a wave of energy through me equal to that of a blow dryer thrown into a bathtub. When the guys in the white coats picked me up, they said they had to change me because I messed my pants severely. They also said, that I will have this happen to me randomly for the next three to four weeks, but I didn’t have to worry, because they were going to keep me there for a good while. Now I have this really nifty samurai coat that when i put it on, keeps me nice and snug so I can hide almost in plain sight. It’s a really nice coat. There are tons of buckles on it, and the way it’s designed, I get to hug myself all day long. I think I really like this place. Well Tony Danza, I have to finish my letter now because they said that it’s time to go back into the room. Did I tell you it has mattresses on every wall! Wish you were here!