As I was watching the Phillies game last night, I heard a promo for “Motrin IB Ladies Night”, which by the way is Monday, September 6th, and I thought this event is either sheer marketing genius or the brainchild of a man who has not a clue in the world about women.
First, let me say that I love the perks that go along with this event. All women, ages 15 and over (which covers the menstruation through menopause years), receives a Motrin IB Phillies print of the Phillies dressed in their very best. I’m not sure I know what that is, but it sounds good. If you are a woman who splurges for the special game ticket associated with this event, you can go to a tent party where you can enjoy a special buffet, free massages, face and ankle painting (these are for those who are too afraid to get a tattoo), free samples of Bare Escentuals make up, makeovers, and a Motrin IB Phillies Scarf. I wonder if the scarf has the words Motrin IB on it. If it does, I am not sure if it’s one that I would wear as an everyday accessory. However, for those days when my hormones are at their peak, it could serve as a great warning flag to the general public who might not be aware of my changing moods.
What we do not get and probably need most is samples of Motrin IB because as every woman aged 15 and over knows, Motrin is the medicine we count on for PMS, menstrual and perimenopausal aches and pains. Isn’t that the reason for the Ladies Motrin IB Night anyway? Isn’t this night just a nice way of saying, “Welcome to Raging Hormone Night at Citizens Bank Park”?
I have to admit that I like the idea of a Raging Hormone Night. I think it’s a great way for women under the influence of misfiring estrogen to let off steam, but what I do not understand is why they coupled this Ladies Night with a Dollar Dog night. Do I have to draw an imagery map here? They are selling discounted wieners on Motrin IB Ladies night! Who is throwing out the first pitch? Lorena Bobbitt?
What were they thinking? If I am PMSing, or going menopausal or anything in between, I don’t want to share my night with a hot dog – be it human or beef. If they wanted a food choice that went with Motrin IB, why didn’t they pick chocolate or ice cream? That would have been the perfect combo. And where does this leave the men? What a conundrum they must face. Do they go to the park knowing that the seats might be filled with hormonally charged women who might not want male companionship? Do they risk their lives for dollar hot dogs and beer specials? Or do they stay home and be safe? Is this night at the ballpark worth the risk?
I have a solution. I think for this particular night, Citizens Bank Park should adopt the customs of old world religions which separate men and women in public places. Yes, they could sit all the women — ages 15 and over — on one side of the park and all the men on the other side of the park. I think this might avoid a lot of problems. Also, I would instruct the Phanatic not to gyrate quite as much at the women’s side. He might be pushing the envelope with his moves. I do not like to point fingers, but I know plenty of women who on the nights they need Motrin might take the opportunity to beat the crap out of the Phanatic.
While we are worrying about the Phanatic, maybe we should worry about the players as well. I am not sure if I would want to be a player at this game — or even worse – an ump. Do the people on the field know who the special events staff is targeting with this Ladies Motrin IB night? If I were the Philies, I would make sure my bats showed up tomorrow night. This is not a good night to tick off the women in the stands. I do not think they want to go home losers.
I wish I could go tomorrow night, but alas, it’s not to be. If the marketing staff is open to suggestions for future events involving women and their hormones, may I suggest a “Hot Flashes Xanax” night? Yes, you can have it in the heat of August, just to make women even more psychotic. Then you can have specials on Italian Ices or Icees or shotguns.
I’m sorry; I do not mean to pick on my Phillies. I love them to death, and on most days I do not mean that literally, but on Motrin IB night, I cannot be sure. Anyway, have fun if you go to the game tomorrow night, Ladies. Remember, be smart; be safe; and know that the security staff is at Code Red.