How could God do this to me ? I retired at 65 and signed up to volunteer for two years to help the people of Belize improve their lives. Now I am 65 and a half. Remember those days as a kid when every day counted ?
As I sat in one of the worst jails in the world, terrified and confused, not even knowing what I was charged with, I felt helpless knowing no one knew I was in jail.
I had gone to immigration to get my volunteer visa with all my IDs and proof of volunteering and they said, “You do not have the proper identification and you are going to jail.” I said, “I am here to help the people of Belize.” They said, “We do not want your f___ing help.”
This story is about life after sobriety. It was much tougher than when I was drinking. At least then I had a mental place to hide, avoiding reality and temporarily taking away the pain of shame and guilt. I have been in recovery for a long time. Looking back, I now know drinking was my excuse for not saying “I am sorry.” My life was like a desert with cliffs. Today its mountains, at least I can climb them!
When not drinking I felt so alone. I saw other people in A.A. who, “Got it!” I kept asking myself,why could I not, figure this out? I thought not drinking and using drugs was my answer. I was wrong ! I spent my entire life in pain, guilt, shame and a strong resentment against God, so I wrote a book starting with my Belize experience. I kept asking, ” How could God do this to me?” I titled it, “I Fired God.”, probably the first book ever published that would never sell a copy. But wow did I ever get paid, clarity of my life…. plan!
I remember the old days back in high school when I got a D minus in English. I really tried, but could not get it, mainly because of my memory disorder.Now, with the one click solution for everything, I use it now to help me look like a professional even though I am not. Thank God, or whatever source you believe in and for Yahoo Contributor Network. They take anyone as a writer and help you to become better. I am so slow at this, but I love it. I do not know what I like more, sex or writing ?
I am a very poor speller, do not know where to put all the dots and dashes, but I do know how to be honest and explain how I feel, going through these new emotions in my life. I am like a baby in diapers. I have no idea how to identify feelings, how the heart works or how the brain functions.
As a child, I had always been called a dreamer by my parents and teachers and of that I am guilty. Now as a senior, it is still my hobby. I now know that all my problems throughout my life was God or religion related. It was the reason I had to drink! It was the only way I knew how to erase the pain and fear.
Last night I had a dream about my Catholic grade school and my eighth grade teacher, Sister Antoinette and our priest, Father, Welter. He would teach the little girls about religion and how to have fun. She would teach, what I do not know. I guess I learned how to hate and be ashamed . They both brain washed me about the benefits of shame and guilt and how it would ruin my life if I did not play by the rules. My heart kept telling me something was wrong, but I did not know how to listen to it. At that point, drinking was my solution not the problem.
Back to this beautiful dream. It was about the priest and nuns showing us how to masturbate with no shame. They also added, “We do it, but we cannot tell anyone.” This dream was a hands on training demonstration. Father, Welter showed the little girls how to make themselves feel good and added, “Do not worry about sins, I have connections.” Sister Antoinette told the boys about the penis and the mouth which was one of the worlds pleasure centers. Oh, what a beautiful dream it was! I am sure if the church finds out about this story, I will be excommunicated. If they find out I know longer believe in Hell or the Devil I will probably get a phone call from the Pope.
The most important lesson I learned in my A.A. program is ” Do Not Blame!” It is not the Catholic churches fault or the Country of Belize! They really believed what they were doing was the right thing to do. The Catholic school did not set out to make me an alcoholic and ruin my life. The country of Belize did not think, ” Let us make Jim hate God and make him suicidal.” So if I do not blame them, I do not have to forgive them. What is really important is that I cannot let their behavior or belief ruin the rest of my life. I adapted this new outlook on life and I know longer have to drink!
My past is gone. The car accidents, near death experiences ( which I loved ) , loss of love from my family, financial disasters, being homeless and helpless, institutions and jails, are no longer on my resume.
I must never forget the past, but always remember not to live in it. All these problems can be normal for an alcoholic, but we in A.A. have a gift if we can just open the box. The Twelve Steps are just a good way to live even if you do not have an addiction problem. You do not have to go out and become an alcoholic to get the gifts I have received. All you have to do is practice these principles in all your affairs.
I am now in the best balance of my life. I keep trying to be perfect ( I know that will never happen ), but I must do something everyday to improve my life. If I was without flaws I might knock my Higher Power out of a job. Do not, want to do that, unemployment is still rising…..So do not ever forget, “Live everyday as if it is your last because someday you will be right.”