In your arms, a place warm with known comfort, I long to return there. Your grip upon my bottom pulls me further onto you as you kiss my lips. I feel you here, I taste you so hot and soft. Oh my dear…I long for those words dripping from your lips. I speak the soft words to myself now and close my eyes. That was then and with me now.
The mountains that once comforted us, are gone. I see the desolation spread before me in a wide array of the diseased and decrepid. I cower away from the beggars touch and file onto the edge of the road behind a throng of nameless. I am unknown here too. My blonde hair contrasts with the common brown locks of every passer-by. Although I appear to be different, no one looks upon me and I admit to myself, my blood runs thick with their genes. I am not what I may seem, but yet, I am his. He keeps me close and holds me dear-even now. Even though he leaves me, I am not alone. The energy that passes through him, passes through me as well.
Meine liebe, I cherish you even now in my frigid lonliness.
On either side of the worn road are clumps of dirty snow. In ways, it appears to be blood and I do not know what this means. The sadness which wells up inside is unknown to me. The crowds which pass me on the road makes no sense at all in my teeming brain. My thoughts run rampant with questions and concerns. My heart pounds deeply and surely strong as i reach the gates of our home. Touching the stone, I listen for the peaceful thoughts of yesterday to save me. I hear nothing, nothing but distant orders and marching. Oh god in heaven, what is happening to me?
Pushing onto the latch, I let myself in, trying so very hard to ignore the screaming babies in the alley way. I cringe at the thought of being alone with myself. I walk through the foyer and onto the stairs. It is a steady walk, no hurry, a languid gate. I am aware that nothing can change. Each step I take reminds me of the progression of the times. The things which have gotten out of hand, the rumors and the lies. I know they lie. My destination is simple, solid and with only one intention.
The diary is tucked neatly beneathe my mattress as I left it, and my bottle is half full. Twenty five pills left and none the stronger to do it. I must wait, you told me to wait for you here and I will. My face is dirty, hands trembling holding the pen. I write again.
Eva-my name but my mind brings nothing more. My hands tremble and a tear falls softly upon my dirty coat. Pushing the tip down upon the paper, I wait for words to fill my void. Nothing comes but the pounding against something solid, something constant–never changing. I gasp and lift the pen.
A knock startles me greatly. My head jerks up expecting a loathsome creature from the street to be standing near my bed begging for something. I am wrong. A well decorated soldier stands before me with glassy eyes and no expression. He comands me come, come with him. I cannot hear his words clearly, I am already fainting.
I need you, mein liebe, I cannot do this alone. I will not go without you and I will not let you suffer your regrets.
As darkness leaves me, I am with you. I feel your naked flesh pressed against my body and your breath is mine. My voice calls out in a rhythm. I speak words so distant and sorrowful. A love so strong that even abominations are simple regrets. I close my eyes as I have closed them to your deeds for so long now. I cannot hear them scream, I cannot smell that putrid smell. Your skin, clean as your uniforms, I dare not take in what my mind will not allow. You touch me and I fathom innocence. Tingles explode upon my flesh and I know they are all liars. YOu are my savior, mein liebe, I am you and you are me. The satin soothes our skin as your eyes peer deeply into mine. I see there something old and secretive. I see there, the answer to everything and everything races into me in one moment of blissful orgasmic realization. I am one with my denial and my denial is truth. We are one, tandem and forever inseperable. My tears run down my cheeks onto the soft satin sheets. You kiss them away and soothe me good night. As I fall into another dream, i run one finger across your mustache and I smile.
Gasping, I wake, starring into your eyes. You sit opposite of me and you are not yourself. No joy here, no mirth, but I can hear strange sounds surrounding us. voices, so many voices and odd sounds. Looking down, I see the sweat stained dress clinging to my flesh and a sinle bead of sweat drops into my eyes as well. I know I am not home, but you are with me and I calm my ragged breath. You smile and lean back against the burgundy couch. You seem peaceful now, not like before. Your screams, they scared me. I couldn’t understand the chaos, I couldn’t understand the fear, and so I shut down. I remember now.
A dream caught me yet and pulled me back under. I could barely hear you hush me back to sleep and then I heard marching. marching met the silence and my dream came into clear view. I saw you there, my love, upon a cross, much like the messiah. You were stetched before the sinking sun, but you were not afraid. I felt myself near to you and I drew back a little in reservation. But your eyes, I felt the welcoming in your eyes and I felt the answer there as well. I could not know , nor could I understand why I belonged here with you, but I felt myself being pulled in. I saw us there. You, as a man prone and stetched upon an object of torture and me, the ball of light pulling free of the sun. The sinking sun could not hold me and so it released me. I traveled fast to you, sinking down through your chest.
Then we were there, making love upon your satiny bed, in the home we had once shared. Your body upon mine, our lips locked and fate drove you deeper within me. No mercy could be found within your touch. I would be yours. I could only steal one glance to the small bottle sitting upon the chiferobe. 25 pills left for me, my dear. I smiled
I woke again and you were still smiling at me. This time, I could barely keep my eyes open. I could hear children crying in the distance and it made me saddened to say the least. On the table before me was the gun. Beside it were the two cyanide capsules. One for me and one for you. I was ready, I have no regrets, mein liebe. I never doubted your love for me and I would keep my promise.
You then softly spoke and recited a poem that you had written for me…
“Within these eyes of torment
are such secrets hidden deep.
Our legacy is this moment
and these memories we must keep.
Our love is impossible to untangle.
Oh, what a wicked web we weave.
On a thread of destiny we dangle.
This life binds us when we leave.
Hand in hand, we lunge into light.
Together forever to be reborn.
Finding each other in the night,
mending what others have torn.
Yet, death will never divide
…our sacrificed old souls.
Our destiny is side by side.
A fate written in the scrolls.
We remain in love as one
throughout the passing ages.
Everything that we have done
completes the painful stages.
This love will last for eternity,
never bound by any boundary.
It is you, my love, who I cherish
and our love will never perish.
Nothing about this was random.
We are the definition of tandem.
It is the dreams we share
that grip us oh so tight,
in a locked lovers stare,
together in our plight.”
Some things are better unknown, especially when his eyes fall upon mine and I remember the day in the country side when he shared his dreams. The secrets he had were only for me but I needent worry I pretty little head about the small details. Sacrifices would be made but the only concerns that I should have are that the plan would be fullfilled and we could be together again. The marching grows louder now but I can still see the roses painted with the finest oils, his fingers slashed with paints as they touched my fair skin. Mein liebe…oh, meine liebe, I will never leave you.
“Sind Sie bereit? Ich bin bei euch … es ist okay.” You smiled and bid me join you.
“Ja, meine Liebe, ich werde sterben und mit dir leben ewig.”
I heard them getting closer, I took the capsule into my mouth and kissed you. The cold steel of the gun made me whimper.”Nein, meine liebe, neine.” I pushed the gun from my head,just before the darkness came.
… Bis dass der Tod noch einmal gelebt hat, ich liebe dich
I cannot stop thinking of you and wondering when you will return to me.
The snow is deep here and I thought I saw you by the chapel. When I ran to greet you, you were just another man, another mind. I have looked for you for years now and the dreams are coming stronger.
The sky is overcast and the snow is starting to look bloody along the edge of the road. I smell something buring in the distance and maybe sirens. I am not sure.
My hands dig deeply into my coat pockets. The right pocket holds my tiny journal while the left one holds my little pill bottle.
I have 25 pills left.