The Tea Party would like to have a candidate that best defines their movement. Here then are some characteristics of a candidate that best fits their description:
1. The candidate must oppose government bailouts. Of course, this matter is subject to change if the Republicans take control of Congress.
2. The candidate must support tax reductions for the truly filthy rich. Hey, it’s hard to get by on one million dollars these days.
3. The candidate must support a balance budget amendment. Please don’t laugh. We really mean it this time.
4. The candidate must support an end to unemployment compensation since this is clearly unconstitutional. Hey, if you don’t have a job it’s too bad for you Charley. You can always move to another country.
5. The candidate must support privatization of medicare and medicaid. Don’t worry, you won’t lose your coverage. Really, we’re completely serious.
6. The candidate must support the private option for social security. You should have the right to lose your retirement money in the stock market.
7. The candidate must support a ban on all abortions except for those women whose last name begins with Z.
8. The candidate must not be a witch, a cannibal, an ogre, an elf, or a fairy. However, we do not exclude goblins or wizards.
9. The candidate must agree that Global Warming is a myth. Warming is the fault of too many trees. Besides, who cares about a bunch of igloos melting.
10. The candidate must not engage in any pornographic matters unless
said candidate provides advance copies of such material for review by a select committee of dirty, old men. Sorry, we do not wish to offend our female tea party members. If they wish to join this committee, we will be more than happy to accommodate their wishes.