Disclaimer (again): I don’t act like this. In fact, I am well-known among my friends and acquaintances for being a huge fluffy bunny. This is entirely a work of fiction. I don’t recommend that anyone else act like this, either. You have to admit, though, that my ideas are funny.
I wish to thank The Bastard Operator from Hell for providing me with inspiration. He can be found here: http://www.theregister.co.uk/odds/bofh/
The Bitch Receptionist From Hell Log, Entry No. 3
I am sitting at my desk, pretending to work while I am really playing Mafia Wars on Facebook. I have been losing to a rival “capo” and it is vital that I give all my attention to the game or I will end up being “hit.” This is no time for anyone to bother me.
Uh oh! Here comes the FedEx guy! What a dork! He has a big trolley, with about 20 big boxes on it. It looks like the computer guys have been ordering stuff again. I’ll cure them of that practice fast.
ME: Wow! You have a lot of stuff today!
FEDEX GUY: Yeah. Where ya want it?
ME: Over there by the wall is good.
I wait while he takes every box off his trolley and stacks them up by the wall. While he is unloading them, he is also scanning them into his little hand-held device. When he is finished, I leave my Mafia Wars game long enough to get up, go over and look at one of the boxes.
ME: Oh no! I’m sorry! You’ll have to take these back.
FEDEX GUY: Take them back! Why?
ME: We didn’t order these. This company keeps sending us stuff we didn’t order, then charging us for it. I can’t sign for these. They all have to go back.
FEDEX GUY: Go back?! You gotta be kiddin’ me!
ME: No. I’m not kidding. We can’t accept these.
That is a pack of lies, but the FedEx guy doesn’t know this. He mutters several interesting words and phrases while he re-loads everything onto his trolley, cancels everything he has put into his scanner, and pushes the whole load back out the door.
An hour later, our computer guy calls.
COMPUTER GUY: I ordered about 20 new computers for the lab on the sixth floor. They’re coming by FedEx. Did they get here yet?
ME: No. You just got a call from the manufacturer, though. They left you a message saying that they sent the computers to our downtown studio, just like you asked them, and you can find them there.
The computer guy repeats some of what the FedEx guy had said earlier and adds a few variations of his own.
COMPUTER GUY: I did not tell them to send the machines all the way downtown! Those people are a bunch of f***ing morons!
ME: You want me to call you a car service to go downtown?
COMPUTER GUY: Yes. Now!
I hang up and call a car service for the computer guy. Then I call the downtown studio.
ME: Hello. This is Bitch Receptionist. How are you? … Good. Listen, the computer guy is going to be coming your way and he’ll be there in about half an hour or so. He’ll be asking about some computers. Please give him a message for me. Tell him that I just got a call from FedEx, and they said they can’t deliver the computers to you because of some mix-up in the address. They are sending them back to the manufacturer. Okay? … Yeah, I know he’ll be raving mad when he hears that. I don’t envy you. … Well, thanks. Bye.
I go back to Mafia Wars, content with a job well done.